The Condensed Silmarillion
by cheekybeak
Summary: Everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. The Silm you read when you are not really reading the Silm. Missing all the boring bits.
1. In which Eru gets Creative

_This is for Ziggy. Because she asked for it and her stories give me so much reading pleasure I figured I should at least try. _  
_I don't write so many apologies to all who torture themselves by reading it. _  
_The good news is there may well only ever be one chapter!_

In the beginning Eru created the Valar.

He had time on his hands so he made an awful lot of them.

Unfortunately he failed to foresee that making one God much better than all the other Gods may cause some problems.  
Eru was very naive.

The Valar liked :  
Talking in council meetings  
Singing, (although singing in unison was not their strong point)  
Meddling in things when they really should leave well enough alone  
Not meddling in things when it was obvious they really really should!  
Shiny pretty things  
And did I mention council meetings?

There are many Valar. Believe me you don't want to know them all.

A rundown of the Major Players. (We will leave the bit parts for the truly dedicated)

Melkor - Doesn't play well with others.  
Manwe - Overachiever, Teachers Pet  
Aulë - Good with his hands  
Yavanna - Green Party president  
Ulmo- Independant thinker. The only one with any common sense  
Mandos - Slightly unhealthy occupation with the dead.  
Tulkas - Warrior Valar, unfortunately tends to turn up late

And just when you get that straight we find out most of them have more than one name.

yeah, get used to that...


	2. Aulë and the Dwarves

Aulë liked to build things. You name it he built it.

But you can have too much of a good thing.

There are only so many mountains you can build before they all start looking the same.

He was lonely, his wife spent her time talking to the flowers.

He decided the best thing to do was to build himself some children to amuse him.

The usual thing to do Aulë , is make the children with your wife. But strangely, despite nearly all of them being married, it seems the Valar weren't really into procreating. I guess we can say thank goodness because then we would have even more of them to deal with.

Aulë had a vague idea that Eru was planning on creating children but what would they look like?

Aulë gave it some thought.

"I know. Eru is sure to be creating short, hairy people, I'll build some too"

Turns out Aulë couldn't have been more wrong. Short and hairy wasn't the way to go. What a surprise.

Unfortunately for Aulë Eru found out and he wasn't best pleased.

Think Aulë, think. He is an all seeing, all knowing creator. Odds are he is going to see you.

How did he ever think he was going to just slip those dwarves into the elves without Eru noticing?

Eru: "What's with that Elf over there? He's very short, and hang on a minute, I think he has a beard? That's not right"

Aulë : " Oh I am not sure my lord. Must be something in the water. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you."

So Eru confiscated the dwarves.

And poor Aulë had to go back to trying to prise Yavanna away from her trees for company.

Actually... That didn't go so well.

Seriously those two need some marriage guidance counselling.

**Authors Note:**

_TolkienScibe: you didn't log in so I could reply to you!,_

_No, I don't write, can't you tell?!_

_This was an accident that kind of developed a mind of its own_.


	3. The Elves

The Elves.

Finally on page 56 after talking about it endlessly Eru creates the Elves.

For those of us who love the elves and not the Valar this was way, way too late.

The Elves are born by the side of a Lake. They love stars and water.

The Elves are naturists.

Also at the beginning it seems they are not all that bright. So they weren't always highly intelligent super beings then, they kept that quiet didn't they.

Remember the Valar love shiny, pretty things? Well the elves are VERY pretty, ( not so sure they were shiny but they do glow so maybe that counts).

The Valar really really want these elves.

But the Valar are lazy. They are Gods, why should they have to travel all the way to Middle-earth to play with these lovely new amusements? That's just not on. The Elves should come to them.

So they do what they do best. They have a council meeting about it.

What a great day for the Valar. New shiny, pretty things AND a council meeting! Could it get any better?

Yes, yes it could ... A council meeting ABOUT shiny, pretty things...Valar Nirvana!

They all want the elves so you would think the council meeting would be brief. But I bet it wasn't.

Mandos points out " Eru wanted the elves to be by this Lake, maybe we should just leave well enough alone"

But the Valar have never been that great at leaving well enough alone when it involves pretty things.

They vote against him,

(and Ulmo, remember Ulmo is the only one with any common sense.)

Actually I have a sneaking suspicion Mandos may have had an ulterior motive. He was God of the dead, right. But no dead at this point. No dead at all.

Bring the Elves to Valinor... Unlikely to die there are they.

Leave them in Middle Earth with Melkor's nasty creatures... Dead, here we come!

For the longest time Mandos must have had absolutely nothing to do, (except keep an eye on Fëanor's Mum, but that's a whole other story).

Oh alright then fair's fair, I guess he had his hands full keeping Melkor locked up for a while!


	4. The Sundering of the Elves

The Sundering of the Elves

The Valar decided to lure the Elves to Valinor. They wanted them to "See the Light."

At first they weren't very successful. You can't really blame the elves for that, after all are any of us thrilled when people come knocking at our doors saying they want to help us See the Light... Most of us end up hiding behind the curtains pretending not to be home.

That's pretty much what the elves did.

So the Valar tried a different tack. They chose the three most gullible elves and TOOK them to see the light.

This was more successful.

So the elves began the long trek to Valinor, it took years. Unfortunately the elves hadn't quite got around to inventing the wheel. This contributed to a rather long trip. If the Valar had been bothered to give them a nudge with their wheel inventing things may have been quicker.

The trip took so long groups of elves kept getting lost along the way.

They were sundered... Poor babies.

And so the Elves ended up looking like this.

The Vanyar

The Vanyar really wanted that Light. They RAN to Valinor so they could beat all the rest, and when they got there nabbed all the best real estate next to the Valar... Location, location, location.

The Vanyar are the popular kids that everyone secretly dislikes.

The Vanyar: Best and Prettiest, Legends in their own Lifetime.

The Noldor.

The Noldor didn't have any Light and so they were rather keen on getting some. They were second to make it to Valinor.

Aulë likes the Noldor. He SAYS it's because they love to build things but I have a sneaking suspicion it's actually because they have no qualms about cutting down Yavanna's trees.

The Noldor: always wanting what they haven't got, ( and believe me this comes back to haunt them before too long!)

The Teleri.

The Teleri missed the boat. I mean, they literally missed the boat.

They took so long to get to the sea, after some scary encounters with immovable mountains and the like, that they were left behind.

They eventually hitched a ride on an island, only to change their minds with sight of Aman. They decided they would rather build boats than See the Light. ( and believe me this would come back to haunt them before too long!)

The Teleri: Indecisive, couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag.

The Sindar:

Half of the Teleri didn't even make it to the sea. Their Lord wandered off and found himself trapped in a cheesy Mills and Boon plot line.

Lost in the forest and enchanted by his one true love,

( Question. Is it really your one true love if she has to cast a spell on you to keep you frozen in one spot with her for years?)

By the time his people found him it was way too late for them to be going anywhere.

The Sindar: Elves most likely to read bad romance novels. But they gave us Legolas so because of that I am prepared to forgive all the Sindars faults.

The Nandor/ Silvan:

Teleri who got so put off by the Misty Mountains they gave up on the whole Valinor idea. New age tree huggers, I bet Yavanna loved these guys. If Aulë had bothered to ask her to help in his child-making she would have come up with the Silvans.

Silvans: So much more interesting than the Noldor! ( Feonorians excepted of course).

The Avari:

When the Valar came knocking at the Avari's door all they found was a large " Door to Door Salesman not welcome " sign. They thought the Valar could take their light and shove it. The lake and the stars were all they wanted.

The Avari: They knew what they liked and they liked what they knew. The Valar could go jump. ( perhaps the Avari were the most clued up after all )


	5. The Fins

The Fins.

When Tolkien liked a name he REALLY liked a name. I mean he just could not let it go.

Arador, Arathorn, Aragorn

Elrond, Elros, Elladan, Elrohir ( I am forever surprised Arwen wasn't called Eloise... or even just Ellen. I guess she went on to have Eldarian though, you know, carry on the family tradition)

This is the story of the Fins. A name so loved by Tolkien he even gave some poor elves 2 Fins, just shove as many Fins in as you can seemed to be his motto.

Finwë:

Finwë started off the whole Fin business. High King of the Noldor. The grass was always greener on the other side for Finwë and so he dragged his people to Valinor.

Finwë had two wives, This caused him so much trouble no Noldor elf has ever dared to go there since.

Elf no. 1: "oh I like the look of that Elleth, maybe I should get me another wife"

Elf no.2: " Mate, don't do that Remember Finwë !"

Elf no.1: " Damn, you're right, walking away from the Elleth. Walking slowly away from the Elleth..."

Unfortunately Finwë came to a sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth.

Fingolfin:

The first double Fin. Second son of Finwë. Had a few issues with his older brother Fëanor. Not the healthiest sibling relationship in the world.

Followed Fëanor round like a puppy, even when he got sand kicked in his face for doing so. Could have benefited from not being quite so forgiving.

Ended up High King of the Noldor, surprise gift from Maedhros. You can almost hear Fingolfin thinking " how the hell did this happen?"

Fingolfin came to a very sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth. What a shame Thorondor the eagle couldn't be bothered to arrive until AFTER Fingolfin was dead. You might have been a bit more helpful if you got there earlier Thorondor, just saying.

Finarfin:

Another double Fin. Honestly Finwë used up what little naming creativity he had with Fëanor. He didn't even pretend to bother with these other two.

Finarfin was Finwë's youngest son. A bit of a mummies boy. He was going to leave Valinor but changed his mind at the last minute and stayed home instead. Had Golden hair, probably his most impressive characteristic. That pretty much sums up Finarfin.

He did give Middle-earth Galadriel so I guess we should thank him for that, ( though Oropher and Thranduil may disagree with me )

Learning from his elders mistakes Finarfin did his best to avoid Morgoth so no sticky end for him.

Fingon:

Fingolfins son. (Fingolfin obviously inherited his gift with names from his father.)

Fingon was brave and valiant, also I have a sneaking suspicion he had a bit of a thing for Maedhros but let's keep that on the down low because the Valar wouldn't approve.

Fingon and Maedhros were Tolkien's first bromance, and man did he write a lot of those.

Fingon liked to wear pretty things in his hair, ( more evidence on the Maedhros front I am afraid)

Thankfully Fingon had the commonsense to name his son Gil-galad ( well maybe he was his son, depends who you talk too ) thus saving readers from further torture remembering which Fin is which.

Fingon came to a very very sticky end, courtesy of Morgoth ( and a Balrog).

Finrod:

Finrod was the son of Finarfin.

Finrod was a nice guy, very friendly, everybody liked him. He obviously wasn't that keen on his name because every time he met someone new he would ask them to call him something different.

Unluckily for Finrod he didn't learn from his cousins that making a vow can come back to bite you if you're not careful, made the mistake of getting enmeshed in the disaster of Beren's love life and didn't live to tell the tale.

Finrod lost in the Battle of the Bands to Sauron of all people. Seriously who in their right mind voted for Sauron instead of him?

Finrod came to a very heroic but very, very, very sticky end courtesy of Morgoth, ( and a werewolf) Anyone else seeing a pattern here?

Bonus for Finrod. Mandos liked him, it pays to be likeable, so Finrod won a round ticket back to Valinor, hooked up with Amarië, who he had ditched to go to Middle-earth (wasn't she patient and tolerant), and probably lives happily ever after with lots of baby Fins that thankfully we don't have to keep track of.

Here ends the tale of the Fins

Apart from Findis... And Finduilas...and GlorFINdel...

Honestly Tolkien, enough is enough, let it go...let it go.


	6. Fëanor: Problem Child

Fëanor: Problem Child

Fëanor had issues. Oh he had SO many issues.

Product of a broken home, never bonded with his stepmother. She probably didn't like him much to be honest, being Stepmum to a child genius must be challenging.

Can you imagine the grief Fëanor got in the school yard. Only Elfling EVER to come from a blended family!

Fëanor had two half brothers, ( and two half sisters but they are girls so, you know, Tolkien pretty much ignored them) As you would expect from a messed up kid with behavioural problems he didn't get on with his brothers. In fact he created the first swords just so he could threaten to kill one of them.

Hmm maybe it is just as well the Valar dragged the elves out of Middle-earth. No weapons? After this long? They wouldn't have had a chance with Melkor. What would they have done, offered him flowers and hoped he had hayfever?

Fëanor's Mum: First ever Elleth to have postnatal depression she ditched him to hang out with Mandos.

Mandos... Got a bone to pick with you about this one. Could you not have just given her a lecture about her responsibilities and sent her back? You sent back Glorfindel, so why not her?

I think Mandos was so excited to see a dead person finally in his halls he just couldn't let her go.

Against all odds Fëanor found someone to love him, ( although he stuffed that up too in the end). Nerdanel, who apparently was the only one who could keep him under control. Perhaps she withheld something to make him behave, ( although she didn't withhold it all that much because they had 7 sons. )

Fëanor had to do everything better than anyone else including procreating.

The sons of Fëanor are kind of important. Better give you a run down.

Maedhros : had very pretty hair. Proof ginger CAN be gorgeous! ( full disclosure here, I have a weak spot for Maedhros )

Maglor: the musical one, If the Feanorians were the Jackson Five Maglor would be Michael, ( young Michael that is, not Michael with issues) ...The Feanorian Seven... Kind of catchy really.

Celegorm: could talk to animals, Dr Doolittle of Middle earth. Even had a talking a dog called Huan who he really should have spent more time listening to.

Caranthir: The baddie. Got all of his fathers temper and not much to make up for that. Spends his time mooching round in the background making Maedhros's life more difficult. ( so NOT my favourite then)

Curafin: Fëanor's favourite, so he gave him the same name - just so it would be obvious to all the rest who it was Fëanor really liked. Not a very pleasant kind of chap. We do need to know him though... Father of Celebrimbor ( and we all know who Celebrimbor is don't we.) For those shocking people who don't here's a hint, he liked making jewellery

Amrod and Amras : Weird Twins who called each other by the same name. Since this is the Silmarillion they wandered around joined at the hip for the entirety . If you read one of the other books it's all completely different.

What else is there to say about the first juvenile delinquent of the Noldor?

Ah Fëanor , It was always bound to end badly.

**Author Note:**

I had a few people point out to me after the last chapter that Fëanor's Father name was actually Curufinwe making him a Fin too, and some were guests so I couldn't reply...

that was a deliberate decision on my part sorry, because I didn't want Fëanor to be just one other Fin in a pile of Fins! If you look closely there is actually a round-about reference to him being called Curufinwe in this chapter.

...and Curufinwe is still much more creative than Fingolfin and Finarfin don't you think?


	7. The Silmarils

The Silmarils

Just realised I have forgotten to tell you about the Silmarils...woops, my bad, because they are really kind of important.

After making the Palantiri, inventing weapons and devising a new writing system Feanor turned his hand to jewellery making.

That's the problem with these elves being immortal, they just have too much time on their hands.

"What is there a market for in Valinor." He wondered. The elves were obsessed by light, the Valar by shiny pretty things so he combined them to make shiny pretty things filled with light. Covered all his bases.

He made the Silmarils easily enough but then he needed the light.

First he headed for Galadriel. He hated her and hated her father but apparently not seeing that as a problem he fronted up to her door demanding her hair.

Oh Fëanor, you really have no clue do you.

Guess what. She said no.

She says that was because she knew that he was evil but I think it was more like she knew that he was better than her. If there was one thing Galadriel hated it was anyone being better than her.

That's why she hung round middle-earth for so long. She had to wait till everyone else had gone so she could finally say she was the best.

Can you imagine how furious Fëanor must have been when he found out later Galadriel ended up giving her hair to a dwarf! But you see she KNEW Gimli wasn't better than her. Should have played dumb Fëanor, ( or grown a beard).

So Fëanor moved on. He sneaked up to Yavanna's special trees and stole ( I mean acquired) his light from there.

Note to the Valar, if there was one thing, ONE thing that you should not have done it was hallow the Silmarils. But oh no, they were shiny and pretty and you just couldn't help yourselves could you.

Which brings us on to our next chapter in which the Valar are incredibly stupid... I mean more stupid than usual... I mean, do they even have one brain cell to share between them, kind of stupid.


	8. The Darkening of Valinor

The Darkening of Valinor

Otherwise known as:

Exactly how Stupid ARE the Valar?

In which the Valar make a large number of mistakes, let's count them shall we.

Shortly after the elves showed up the Valar decided they really should stop wallowing and make an effort to deal with Melkor.

So they went to Middle-earth fought him and captured him. (see guys you could have done that ages ago)

They threw him in Mandos's deepest darkest dungeon. I imagine Mandos wasn't that happy about that.

Mandos: These are the Halls of the Dead and he is not dead so not my problem.

Manwë: Listen Mandos, you have spent years lazing around doing nothing while we all work our butts off. It's about time you pulled your weight. He is coming to you, end of story.

Eventually Melkor came up before the parole board and what did the Valar do?

They. Let. Him. Go.

I repeat... They let him go.

Mistake no. 1.

Apparently Manwë wasn't evil and therefore couldn't tell that Melkor WAS.

Hello Manwë, how about the subtle hint that from the word go he has destroyed everything you guys have ever made?

When he got out he was supposed to be on house arrest. That lasted 5 minutes then they let him amble around chatting to random elves.

Mistake no. 2

They let him spend time with Fëanor, the problem child, of all people

Mistake no. 3

They let him wander and hook up with a giant evil spider

Mistake no. 4

Actually they had a giant evil spider living down the road and didn't even know it! How could they not know this?

Mistake no. 5

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, these are the guys who while they were living in their summer house in Middle-earth, didn't notice Melkor building a large underground fortress

Mistake no. 6.

Then when they captured Melkor they didn't bother searching his large underground fortress where Sauron was hiding out

Mistake no. 7. ... Are you guys keeping up? It gets worse.

They chose the worst possible time to call Fëanor and Fingolfin together for some kind of family intervention. Too little too late guys.

Mistake no. 8.

When Melkor showed up Giant spider in tow, killing Finwë and stealing the Silmarils they didn't even know he was coming

Mistake no. 9.

They let him walk right up to Yavanna's precious trees and destroy them

Mistake no. 10

They let Melkor escape to Middle-earth and decided not to go after him

Mistake no. 11

Then when all was in chaos, Fëanor was roaming the wilds in soul destroying grief and the Noldor were plunged into scary darkness just waiting for someone to come along and work them all up into a state so they could do something foolish what did the Valar do?

Did they go down to the elves, make them feel better, say "don't worry we will sort this out for you." NO

Did they go out and find Fëanor, (or even just his sons) say "sorry about your Dad. What can we do to help?" NO

Arrange some kind of war party and go to deal with Melkor once and for all? ...well, NO

They sat.

They sat in darkness

They sat in darkness for a long long time

Are we sure these people are actually Gods?


	9. The Oath of Feanor

The Oath of Fëanor

Moral of the story: Don't do it.

Message to Fëanor .

Swearing oaths to chase after inanimate objects to the death is foolish.

Swearing oaths to Eru a god you are going to be unable to chat to when you change your mind is also ill advised.

Encouraging your sons to swear oaths to chase after inanimate objects to the death is possibly one of the worst parenting decisions ever.

Perhaps taking some time out for a nice cup of tea and a lie down to calm your nerves may have been a better way to go.

Message to the Valar.

Sitting in the dark sulking when an evil Valar ,(who YOU let out of a perfectly safe prison) and a giant evil spider destroy your trees is about as infantile as you can get.

Leaving frightened and grief stricken elves on their own to sort out your problems for you is beyond irresponsible.

Perhaps getting off your backsides and doing something about the mess you made instead of having a tantrum in the corner would have been a better way to go.

Message to Eru.

Where were you?


	10. The Kinslaying ( no 1)

The Kinslaying (no. 1)

So Fëanor was off to reclaim the Silmarils with Fingolfin and Finarfin trailing reluctantly behind him.

Meanwhile the Valar were...

Well they were still in the dark. Sitting. Sulking.

Except according to them they were " thinking". Thinking about the beginning of time.

Not that appropriate guys, possibly better to save your reminiscing for when your pretty elves aren't in the middle of a political crisis.

Off march Fëanor and co, off to Middle-earth.

Eventually they come face to face with a small problem. One they hadn't anticipated. Fëanor you are supposed to be intelligent. You should have seen this coming.

The Sea.

Fëanor : " You mean we can't just walk to Middle-earth?"

No Fëanor, you can't.

Luckily for the Noldor the Teleri were there with their boats to save them.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri didn't quite get why they would want to leave.

Luckily for the Noldor they had Fëanor, most charismatic elf ever created to argue their cause.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri decided some time ago they preferred boats to "The Light" ( yes they had actually managed to make a decision and even Fëanor - Problem Child couldn't change their minds on this one.)

Luckily for the Noldor Fëanor had recently created weapons. This should scare off the Teleri.

Unluckily for the Noldor the Teleri obviously didn't know what weapons were so didn't know they should be scared.

Unluckily for the Teleri, Fëanor decided to demonstrate how swords work.

Unluckily for the Noldor, Fëanor decided to demonstrate how swords work.

Note to Tolkien: Did you forget the Teleri had no swords?

End result: A Mess.

Unluckily for the Noldor Manwë FINALLY decided to send a messanger.

Unluckily for the Noldor Fëanor told the messanger to get lost.

Unluckily for the Noldor Mandos took offence and cursed them.

At this point Finarfin decided he had had enough of being unlucky and went home to Mummy.

Possibly everyone else would have been better off if they had joined him.

Unluckily for the Noldor, they didn't.


	11. The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon:Pt 1

The Sad tale of Maedhros and Fingon.

Part 1

Maedhros and Fingon had a thing for each other.

Well Tolkien doesn't actually say so in as many words but reading between the lines...you know... It's pretty obvious.

.

Actually they were SO keen on each other they managed to stick together despite such minor inconveniences as Maedhros's Dad threatening to kill Fingon's Dad right in the middle of Town.

Yes these guys were seriously devoted. Nothing was going to keep them apart especially the fact their Fathers had serious longstanding problems getting on.

Sadly but not surprisingly I am not sure their fathers were all that keen on the idea of their sons getting it together.

Oooh it's beginning to sound like Romeo and Juliet!

Romeo and Juliet the Middle-earth version,

With two guys,

Who were both elves,

So a bit different then.

But back to the story...

When their Dads both decided to go off to Middle-earth hunting Silmarils Maedhros and Fingon tagged along... Hoping it might give them a better chance to spend time together probably, you know while their respective Fathers were distracted by Kinslaying and Silmaril chasing.

Sadly it didn't quite work out that way.

Fëanor had managed to get his hands on the ships, finally they were off to Middle-earth.

"Yay" thought Maedhros " At last! Fingon and I can shack up on a ship together, how romantic!"

No such luck. Fëanor was obviously on to them. He frogmarched Maedhros onto a ship and sailed off in to the sunset leaving Fingon way behind.

Poor Maedhros. Poor Fingon.

When they made it to the other side Maedhros still hadn't worked it out...

Maedhros "Dad, you are going to send the ships back for Fingon, right?"

Fëanor. " No chance son. No son of mine is carrying on with any son of Fingolfin's. Not in my lifetime, ( and I am immortal remember)"

And he burned all the ships to the ground. Kind of extreme but he obviously felt rather strongly about his sons romantic dalliances .

So Maedhros and Fingon were parted. Maedhros in Middle-earth and Fingon in Aman with the sea (or a huge iceshelf no one had ever survived crossing) between them.

Talk about star crossed lovers.

It's a tragedy.

Hint: if your having some kind of secret fling, your Dads can't get on and the pair of them are going off on a foolish quest maybe you would be better off staying behind. You might have more luck being together that way.


	12. The Valar do Something

The Valar Do Something.

Yes you heard me right.

Once they realised Fëanor actually had sailed off to Middle Earth despite them not talking to him sulking didn't seem that effective.

"maybe we should do something?" They said.

Hmm...

The large majority of the Noldor have run away.

The large majority of the Teleri are dead

Melkor and the giant spider are now camping out in Middle-earth

It doesn't take a genius to work out what is going to happen to the Teleri and the Avari who live there, (apparently without swords)

Maybe you SHOULD do something, maybe you should have done something three chapters ago.

They briefly toy with going back to fight with Melkor ( actually thanks to Fëanor he's suddenly called Morgoth from now on) but Manwë rejects that idea.

He has heard Men may be showing up and they are so fragile he is worried they all might die of fright if the Valar were to start a fight there.

Let's look at this logically Manwë ,

you go back, they may die of fright.

You don't, they die of Morgoth

Which is preferable I wonder?

Sounds like a pretty bad excuse to me.

The Valar decide to send a pretty, shiny gift instead.

The sun ...

And the moon.

Hang on a minute, are you telling us the elves in Middle earth have spent all this time in the dark?

Why Eru why? Did you miss that off your "what to put in the newly created world" list?

Suddenly it all becomes clear. No WONDER the elves were so so keen to "see the light" because they had none. None at all.

Of course true to form the Valar didn't actually ask the elves if they wanted a sun. I am sure the Noldor would have been quite keen but what about the poor Teleri and Avari happily living away, minding their own business in the dark.

Imagine their surprise when they got up one day and wow, There was the sun. Bit of a shock really. Suddenly they could see each other. Just as well they were all beautiful or it may not have been a very pleasant experiance.

After sending off their generous gift the Valar felt vindicated.

"See we did something " they said and then promptly went and hid themselves behind mountain ranges and enchanted clouds so nobody, nobody at all could ever find them again.

So helpful Valar, so helpful.

But really, what else did we expect?


	13. Men

Men

Remember way back when Eru unfortunately created a whole lot of problems because he made Melkor better than any of the other gods?

Turns out he didn't learn anything. You know, that having one person "better" than other people is not the way to go.

He had the elves, now he decided to create more children. "Men".

But he made them live not as long, look not as pretty, be not as smart, as the elves.

Eru! For goodness sake, you can't possibly be that dumb.

How do you NOT think there will be problems because of this?

At least the bonus (for the men) was that the Valar left them well and truly alone. They just weren't pretty or shiny enough. The Valar weren't going to have any of those ugly men in Valinor...ever.

There were a lot of men.

Their names all tended to sound the same.

They were generally very miserable.

Probably because they knew they were just not as good.

Can we get back to the Elves now?


	14. It all Goes Wrong

It all goes Wrong.

Back to Fëanor and co.

Turns out burning the ships was not such a great idea, and not just because it destroyed Maedhros's love life.

Morgoth spotted them.

If you want to draw attention to yourself Fëanor, lighting a massive bonfire is the way to do it.

Morgoth sent out his army, ( hang on a minute how did he get an army, he has only been there 5 minutes? ... Don't ask, it's a long story involving Valar ineptitude.)

They fought.

The elves won.

Fëanor got carried away- a slight weakness of his.

He went after Morgoth on his own.

It didn't go well.

Gothmog the Balrog had a go at him.

End of Fëanor.

Wait! You mean to say after reading all this way, having bonded with Fëanor, become invested in his quest, he goes and dies after 5 seconds in middle earth?

What happened Tolkien? Did you get bored with him?

That sucks because we didn't.

Fëanor was sent to Mandos's halls without any supper for eternity. Poor Mandos, his hands full dealing with the chaos resulting from the kinslaying and Fëanor turns up. I bet that didn't help matters any.

Mandos: " right everybody line up. Tell me how you got here."

Elf no. 1:" Fëanor killed me at Alqualondë

Elf no 2: " Fëanor killed me Alqualondë

Elf no. 3: One of Fëanor's sons killed me at Alqualondë

Elf no. 4: " I am Fëanor"

Mandos: " Aarrgh! Damn it Manwë, come out from behind those mountains and help me deal with this nightmare!"

I guess this meant Fëanor finally got some family bonding time with his Mum though. About time too!


	15. And then it Gets Even Worse

**Authors Note:** Credit to Peter Jackson and Gandalf for some of the dialogue!

And Then It Gets Even Worse.

The sons of Fëanor were understandably upset at his demise. Especially since he magically turned into a pile of ash. You can see how that could be quite catastrophic, seeing your Dad crumple into an ash pile for no good reason.

They were just wondering what to do next, as this wasn't really in the script, when Morgoth sent them a letter.

"Sons of Fëanor ,

sorry about your Dad. How about we meet for a chat to sort everything out. It is a shame this has got out of hand.

Love Morgoth.

P.s. Don't bring anyone with you, promise I won't do anything."

Maedhros: "well I guess that means me. I'll be off then. At least it will give me something to do to take my mind off Fingon"

Brothers: "But what if it's a trap!"

Maedhros: " It's undoubtably a trap... But seriously, do you think I am a total idiot? I'll take an army with me."

Sadly Morgoth was also not a total idiot. He bought an army with him too.

His army had Balrogs.

Maedhros's army had elves.

You don't have to be a brain scientist to work out what happened next.

Yes they captured Maedhros.

They took him away and did unspeakable things to him.

No I am not going to go in to detail. They were unspeakable remember.

In the end they chained him to a cliff and worst of all...cut off his beautiful hair!

Oh my poor Maedhros, forced to have a bowl cut.

And I think we will leave things there for now.

Yes that's right. It's a cliffhanger. (literally!)


	16. Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon Pt 2A

The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon

Part Two (A)

Woe is us. Maedhros has been captured and is hanging from a cliff. Who will save him?

Not his brothers that's for sure. They spend their time doing a really good impression of the Valar, talking and arguing about what to do but actually doing nothing.

But...just when all hope is lost...Fingon strolls into camp. Looking a bit skinnier since he has just spent years crossing the Helcaraxë but still glorious, ( obviously)

Fingon: " Where is Maedhros? I have fought my way across the ice just to see him!

Brothers: " umm... Yeah about that... "

Well Fingon wasn't about to let something as small as a powerful evil Valar come between him and his love. He had crossed the uncrossable Helcaraxë, he could get Maedhros back from Morgoth.

Such a sweetie!

Can you imagine Fëanor's frustration while watching in the Halls of Mandos...

Fëanor: " NO Maglor! Do not let Fingolfin's son rescue your brother. I burnt all those ships for nothing! ...sigh...this is hopeless, Fingolfin will never manage to keep those two apart now."

Maybe that is how Mandos and the Valar got their revenge on Fëanor. Making him watch his sons mess things up while he was powerless on the sidelines,

" Maedhros, Don't go and talk to Morgoth!"

" Maglor, stop arguing and go after your brother!"

" Maedhros, why on earth are you making Fingofin High King?!"

" Maedhros, don't let Morgoth make you late to important battles"

"Celegorm, don't imprison Thingols daughter, you are making yourself look completely crazy!"

" NO, Do not do another Kinslaying. That whole demonstrating the swords to the Teleri was just a big misunderstanding!"

" Maedhros! Are you listening to me AT ALL?,"

But leaving Fëanor fuming in frustration,

Back to Fingon the Valiant. If you are going on an expedition into lands of evil you need to pack carefully which is just what Fingon did.

Fingon: " Right, off to Angband, what shall I take? Sword? Definitely. Lembas? Oh yes, I need to put on a bit of weight so starving won't do. Harp? You bet!"

Hold on Fingon. What did you say?... Harp?

You are going on a desperate search and rescue mission to a land full of evil in the middle of some volcanoes and you take your harp?

Obviously crossing the Helcaraxë has had some unforeseen mental health side effects.

And so Fingon the Valiant and Ever So Slightly Odd set off.

Travelling light, ( except for the harp) to rescue his cousin.

Good luck with that Fingon.

I have to say I am beginning to have some doubts on the likelihood of success here.


	17. Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon : Pt 2B

The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon : Part Two ( B)

We left Fingon, the Valiant and Ever So Slightly Odd on his way to rescue Maedhros.

He went at night under cover of darkness, a good idea as he was going to a place crawling with Orcs, Balrogs and other fell creatures of evil.

He struggled and toiled and succeeded in climbing through mountains, using his elvish stealth to protect him from discovery. Well done Fingon, so far so good.

After hours of this he decided to rest. Being stealthy is very wearying you know. So he stopped, " This is the perfect place" he said " for a sing a long"

I did tell you he was not quite right in the head.

He whipped out his harp and sang...very loudly... Because that is what you do after having spent hours avoiding discovery.

Maedhros, hanging on the cliff, heard him.

Maedhros: "For gods sake Fingon. Why don't you just hold up a sign saying here I am , shoot me?! I am in love with an idiot!,"

Still he joined in the sing a long, what choice did he have really, he sung very loudly also, probably hoping he could stop the orcs from hearing Fingon, and Fingon found him.

And strangely none of the orcs ever did notice Fingon. Go figure. Maybe they are tone deaf.

But Maedhros was high up on a cliff, Fingon couldn't reach him.

Fingon: " Maedhros I can't reach you, unfortunately I had to leave my rope behind so I could fit in the harp"

Maedhros: "Shoot me then, and make it quick. I really don't want to hang around here for much longer."

Alas Fingon would have to kill his love to save him. Can it get more heart breaking and tragic than this?

But... Don't start the crying just yet...all is not lost...

"What?" You say, "What can save him when all hope is gone?"

We are in Middle Earth here remember and who is it that spends their time waiting for drastic situations so they can swoop in and claim all the glory.

Every. Single. Time.

You got it, scene stealing, glory robbing Giant Eagles. Thorondor if you really wanted to help you could have flown Fingon there in the first place, or one of the brothers years ago for that matter but no you just had to wait until you could do something dramatic and be noticed. Nobody likes a show off.

So the Eagle flies in. They grab Maedhros and run, unfortunately leaving his hand behind, and they all live happily ever after.

Well no, this is the Silmarillion, sadly there is no happily ever after for Maedhros and Fingon.

In fact there is no happily ever after for ANYONE in this book,

except for the wonderful Beren and Luthien...

Major sarcasm there in case you didn't notice. Beren and Luthien are in fact a pair of major troublemakers. Why it is they are the only ones who get a happy ever after is beyond me. Their son was a spoilt brat and their granddaughter ...well don't get me started. We will leave that for another day!


	18. Thingol

Thingol

Before the Noldor so rudely arrived to spoil his fun Thingol was pretty much the big man of Middle Earth.

He shacked up with a Maia

He lived in a magic forest his wife protected for him, (now that's not very manly).

He had a beautiful daughter everyone wanted.

He cultivated this lovely special glow because he had "seen the light" in Valinor and no one else had.

He was NOT very happy when a bunch of upstart Noldor who had all "seen the light" as well arrived on his shores. How could he be special now?

He did not like them. He would not even meet them. They certainly were not allowed in his magic forest... So there.

Reluctantly he let Finarfins kids in. He wasn't very pleased about it but they were half Teleri so he would have looked really bad if he hadn't.

He definitely wouldn't go to Fingolfin's big elf party. They could all have fun without him. He really was a grumpy old man.

Finarfin's kids did their best to win him round. They told him all about the Noldor and how lovely they were, (somehow the Kinslaying just slipped their mind. They forgot to tell him that...ah I am sure it was unimportant anyway)

Galadriel had a great time staying with Uncle Thingol. She hooked up with Celeborn and there she stayed, ( And getting to hang out with Melian the Maia practicing her wiseness had nothing to do with it. Uh huh Galadriel, I'm sure it didn't!)

Finrod on the other hand wasn't that happy there. He went on a camping trip with his buddy Turgon, brother of Fingon. They had a great time. Unfortunately too much of a great time. They camped out at a river, obviously had a bit too much to drink and proceeded to both have hallucinogenic nightmares. They were a bit embarrassed by this so didn't tell each other but slunk off in different directions the next morning.

Exactly what DID they get up to together that night?

Finrod was so traumatised by whatever went on with Turgon he went and hid in a large underground cave. Changed his name and hung out with Dwarves who gave him pretty jewellery.

It's ok Finrod. We all know that feeling when you wake up the Morning After thinking "what have I done." You could have just kept your fling with Turgon on the down low. Possibly shacking up with a crowd of dwarves while wearing jewellery is slightly more incriminating!

Poor Finrod. He really went off the rails.

Finrod named his cave Nargothrond. Galadriel went to visit him but even she couldn't prise him away from there.

She asked him why he wasn't married, typical nosy little sister. Maybe even pointed out to him his options were pretty limited while spending his time with dwarves.

Finrod panicked and blurted out a prophecy about making an oath and not being able to provide for a son.

You could have handled this question better Finrod. For example, " Mind your own business Galadriel" would have been a more appropriate and not quite so depressing answer.

And also a lesson Galadriel could well do with learning. Minding her own business was not her strong point.


	19. Gondolin

Gondolin.

Now Finrod wasn't the only one traumatised by the " Turgon By the River" incident. It turns out Turgon was pretty messed up by it as well, although I suppose for him we better call it the "Finrod by the River " incident.

Guys, guys, it's really not that bad. Don't you know Maedhros and Fingon have been carrying on together for years ?

He went searching the lands for a place to hide out afterwards eventually finding a little hidden niche in some mountains that only the Eagles knew about. Don't be expecting any help from them Turgon... Not unless it is dramatic and will make them look good. Even then there is a good chance they will turn up late.

" Right" said Turgon. " I think I will build a secret city here."

Take note everybody. Apart from whatever it was went down by the river this is possibly the most exciting thing Turgon will ever do!

It took Turgon 52 years to build the city and somehow no one noticed he was doing it. 52 years... They never once asked any questions, like where have all the highly skilled builders disappeared to? I guess we can say when he was dividing up the people Fingolfin gave Turgon all the unobservant ones. Maybe so they wouldn't notice he was a particularly tedious elf.

When the 52 years were up Turgon and his people just disappeared.

One at a time,

and no one asked where they went,

or tried to search for them,

or even seemed remotely bothered by this.

Maybe they were just all glad Turgon wasn't around to bore them at council meetings any more?

Come on Fingolfin. I know Fingon is the brave, heroic and good looking one who gets all the attention and has a Feanorian boyfriend but you do have a second son remember.

I really do think you should have at least pretended to look for him.


	20. Hunting for a Man

Hunting For a Man.

Fingon and Turgon had a sister.

She was a bit of a feminist. Anything the boys could do she thought she could do better.

She was wrong on that count.

Somehow she ended up being shunted off to Gondolin with Big brother Turgon. I think Fingolfin thought shutting her up in a secret city which no one was allowed to leave was the perfect solution. Turgon may have had other ideas, he drew the short straw on that one.

Anyone with half a brain could see Aredhel would get bored. Gondolin just didn't do it for her. Gondolin was never going to do it for her. I honestly don't know what Fingolfin was thinking, ( actually I do know exactly what he was thinking..." She'll get bored and cause trouble but at least I won't be around to have to deal with it")

She went to Turgon and asked if she could leave. I don't know why she bothered asking because when he said she couldn't she pretty much ignored him anyway.

In the end he got sick of her nagging him about it and said " Yes you can go but only if you go to see Fingon.

Go to Fingon. Go directly to Fingon. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200"

Let's face it Turgon was just trying to make sure Fingon had as miserable a time as he did. I can just imagine how happy Fingon was to get the message Aredhel was on her way.

Of course Aredhel wasn't going to go anywhere her brother told her to and as soon as she escaped the city headed off to visit the Feanorians. They were so much more exciting you know.

She ended up at Celegorms place. I think she had a bit of a crush on him. Celegorm obviously didn't feel the same way. He heard she was there and went into hiding. There was no way he was going home while Aredhel was there.

She waited. And waited. And waited. She just didn't get the message.

He doesn't like you that way Aredhel. He probably prefers his dog to be honest. The dog is much more agreeable. I bet Fingon has been complaining to Maedhros about what a pain in the butt his little sister is and Maedhros has warned his brother off.

I would.

If I were Maedhros.

Maedhros: " honestly Celegorm, I'm serious. Stay away from her "

Celegorm: " but she's really kind of pretty and you have to admit it would be a great political match"

Maedhros: " look, Fingon says she is an absolute nightmare. Just don't go there!"

Celegorm: " it's alright for you to say. You know there is an extreme lack of high born Elleth available for all of us and you have managed to snap up the most desirable Prince. What are we supposed to do?"

Maedhros: " well I guess there is always Finrod..."

Celegorm: " Brother. That's not very helpful, last I heard he was into Dwarves!"

Eventually it became obvious even to Aredhel that Celegorm just was never coming home. She had to admit defeat and go and try to find another guy to catch. One who hadn't heard of her reputation to be problematic.

Given the fact she was Fingolfin's daughter so all his people knew about her and Maedhros had obviously warned Fëanorian's near and far plus Thingol wouldn't let her anywhere near his magic forest Her chances of finding anyone seemed remote in the extreme!

Still, good luck in the wilds...

Run Eöl Run!


	21. Teenagers, Who'd Have 'em

**Authors Note:**

_Just to be clear. The relationship of Aredhel and Eöl is the version told in the Silmarillion since this is a Silmarillion parody. NOT the one in " The History of Middle Earth" I am aware that in the Histoy of Middle Earth Tolkien puts a whole different light on them._

_But this is the Silmarilion _

_I see Aredhel as a strong, independant, stubborn woman in a society of sexist men who wanted her to be docile and well behaved. I don't see her relationship with Eöl as written in the Silm as an abusive one, at least not initially though Eöl lost it a bit at the end. It is certainly not written that way in the Silmarilion and she loved him enough to plead for his life at the end. That's the context this is written in. _

_I figure if I can make fun of Fingon being stomped to death by a Balrog, or Finrod being chewed up and spat out by a werewolf... Then I can point out the fact Aredhel was a hard to control Dynamo who scared men witless too... _

Teenagers...Who'd have Em?

Remember when the Valar decided to give the Elves the lovely present of a Sun and Moon without asking if they wanted them?

Remember how some of the Elves maybe weren't that keen on the idea.

Eöl was one of those Elves.

He didn't like the Sun or the moon. He much preferred the stars he had grown up under.

In the end he went to live in a forest so Dark and dense neither sun or moonlight could get through. Unfortunately this would mean he couldn't see the stars either so I am not sure exactly how successful the whole idea was for him.

Still he seemed happy enough hiding away there. He was big on making things, especially black things. Let's face it, Eöl was a Goth. He lived an alternative elf lifestyle.

One day everything changed for Eöl. Aredhel, on her search for a man...any man, stumbled into his forest. Because Eöl had kept himself to himself her reputation did not proceed her.

He thought she was quite nice.

She thought he was a man who didn't run away when he saw her.

One thing led to another and they got married.

All went well for a bit and they even had a baby but it was too good to last. Eventually Aredhel got bored, ( what a surprise!) She wanted Eöl to change. To leave his dark forest and stop wearing his black clothes.

Basic Relationship advice Aredhel. Marrying someone thinking you can change them never, never works. No matter how desperate you are.

Basic Relationship advice Eöl. She insists on only wearing white. Did that not ring some warning bells? That thing about opposites attracting...well it only goes so far.

Eöl and Aredhel's baby was a boy.

He caused Eöl some problems from the start because he just couldn't decide on a name. He got all the baby name books out of the Library but nothing seemed to fit. It took him years to decide what he wanted. Years during which I guess his son was just called Baby Boy Eöl . Which would cause problems don't you think?

Eventually Eöl decided on Maeglin. I am sure Maeglin was just pleased his Dad had finally made his mind up.

Eöl and Maeglin got on fine to start with. They used to participate in that well known Elf recreational pursuit of dwarf visiting together and Eöl taught Maeglin all about making black things. They made many many black things.

But Maeglin grew up. He turned into a moody, ungrateful, and uncooperative teenager who hated Dad and all Dad stood for. I bet he spent all day in his room playing heavy metal elf music on his harp very loudly.

Unfortunately Aredhel didn't help the situation She and Eöl didn't exactly present a united front.

She told Maeglin all about Gondolin and Turgon and How much BETTER they were than Boring old Dad. Sadly she forgot to tell him that a few hundred years earlier she had thought they were dull as dishwater.

At the end of his tether Eöl employed some seriously dodgy parenting tactics.

"Do as I say or I will tie you up."

Eöl, you just can't get away with that kind of thing, however tempting it may be.

(Because seriously, who out there with Teenagers hasn't wished they could do that...just once!)

Then came the day Eöl was called away on dwarf visiting he just couldn't get out of.

" Maeglin, you're grounded" he said, trying some tough love." You will stay here and do that Forging homework assignment you haven't even bothered starting. No dwarf visiting for you"

In retrospect this was a major error.

For all of them.

Maybe he should have persisted with the tying up idea after all.


	22. Turgon loses his train of Thought

Turgon liked a quiet life and things had been oh so lovely and quiet in Gondolin since Aredhel had done a runner.

He was as happy as he could ever be, ( given that he had a tendency to pessimism). A lovely secret city, far, far away from those nasty over dramatic Fëanorians and that...Finrod, ( the less Turgon thought about him the better.) Surely nothing could go wrong now.

Oh yes it could Turgon.

It all started with a happy family reunion. After a few hundred years being missing Aredhel turned up. It was every fathers (or big brothers) nightmare. She turned up with a mystery child in tow and no husband to be seen.

Turgon said " It's great to see you sister. We have missed you so much."

Turgon thought " For Gods sake, Why did she choose to come back to bother me. Could she not have gone to Fingon's place for a change"

Aredhel introduced her mysterious, surly, monosyllabic son.

Turgon said " Any son of yours will be welcome in our family"

Turgon thought "As if I didn't have enough problems with my own know it all, sanctimonious daughter now I am going to be landed with her uncooperative, antisocial son. What am I going to do?... Perhaps I could send these guys to Finrod, he is very friendly... Then I could go and visit...Stop! Stop thinking about Finrod! ...but his hair is so golden..."

Ok Turgon's attention has obviously wandered.

Just then Eöl was dragged into the room. Having been captured trying to get into the city they then bought him in themselves. (Something seems wrong there)

He protested loudly about Turgon kidnapping his wife and son.

Turgon said " Any husband of Aredhel's is a Brother in Law of mine. You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave."

Turgon thought. " Thank God, she has a husband. She is not my problem any more! ...but this means I can't ship her off to Finrod ...so I don't have a reason to visit him... Not that I want to. There is no one I less want to visit than Finrod... STOP thinking about Finrod!"

Luckily for Turgon a commotion dragged him back to reality.

Eöl didn't like the thought of Eternity in Gondolin living with all his annoying wife's tedious relations. Who can blame him. When Maeglin refused to leave with him he took the tough love thing too far and shot him with a cunningly concealed javelin. Because when you are chasing your runaway wife and son across country that's what you take with you... A javelin. Eöl obviously had the same " How to Pack for Secret Missions" handbook as Fingon, ( remember the harp!)

Unfortunately Aredhel chose that moment to behave like a mother and stepped in front of her son.

All descended into chaos.

Aredhel died,

Eöl was imprisoned and thrown off a cliff,

Maeglin stared moodily throughout the whole incident

and Turgon saw his hopes of a visit to Finrod disappear...not that he ever wanted to go in the first place.

At the end of this sorry tale I have one question. Doesn't pushing Eöl off a cliff mean Turgon and his folk are now Kinslayers? I mean Eöl = Elf = Dead= Kinslaying . Or is it just Fëanorians carrying swords that applies to.

Seems slightly unfair to me.


	23. Finrod: Elf Gone Bad!

**Authors Note: **I just want to say thanks to all my guest reviewers. I really wish I had a way to reply to your reviews.

Especially Nelyo. You review was a breath of fresh air! You see Aredhel And Eol exactly as I do. Thanks so much for taking the time to tell me.

Finrod - Elf Gone Bad!

Don't get me wrong. Finrod was a lovely guy at heart. Sweet, kind, gentle, but oh he was struggling with his post Turgon issues.

The Dwarves hadn't been able to straighten him out. He was in a downward spiral. In desperation they sent him off to his cousins Maedhros and Maglor. Surely they could get him back on the straight and narrow.

Maedhros took this responsibility very seriously. He arranged a family hunting trip thinking it would be like a team building experience. I think he must have been watching too many of those "Teach Teens Discipline in the Wild " programmes.

Maedhros, Maedhros, Maedhros don't you remember it was a family camping trip that started all Finrods problems in the first place.

Finrod did a runner. There was no way he could face another camping trip ever again, especially with cousins! He ditched them and wandered the wilds by himself. Aimless until the night he overheard some strange singing.

" Is that Orcs I hear? " he asked himself.

Ok Finrod. Now we know for sure you have been in the magic mushrooms... Orcs? Singing? Because Orcs are so well known for their close harmonies, pausing in the middle of random slaughter of innocents to sing excerpts of the Hallelujah Chorus. It makes such perfect sense that when you heard singing the first thing you thought of was Orcs.

Not.

Turns out it wasn't orcs at all, surprise, surprise.

It was Men.

From this we can gather that Men were rather horrific singers.

Finrod had never seen any Men before. He could have simply walked up and introduced himself but Finrod had other ideas.

"I could have some serious fun messing with these guys" he thought. (told you he had turned into a delinquent)

He waited until they all went to sleep, they obviously weren't smart enough to set a night watch, then dressed himself up. Made sure he glowed his brightest light, whipped out his harp, ( yes another Elf with a harp fetish) and pretended to be a Valar.

The Men fell for it.

Luckily for Finrod, the Valar never found out about this particular prank because I am sure impersonating a Valar would have carried a fairly stern punishment.

After this the men were all over him. They couldn't get enough of him. They thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Finrod enchanted their leader, changing his name to Beor, ( vassal/ slave/ bondsman. Just in case it wasn't completely obvious that's what he made him), and took him away to be his free labour.

Finrod appointed himself Chief Allocator of Men. He sorted out pet Men for Fingolfin, Maedhros and even Caranthir. He even tried to get Thingol in on the act but Thingol discovered he had a severe allergy to Men and was not having a bar of it.

Finrod: Elf Slave Trader Extraordinaire.

He's seriously in need of an intervention. Just no camping this time Maedhros.


	24. Oaths are not a Good Idea

In case you hadn't noticed, Oaths are not a good idea.

We haven't heard much from Morgoth for awhile.

He had been busy.

Very busy.

Building up a pretty army, and now he wanted to come out and play. It took the elves by surprise a bit but then dragons breathing fire will do that to you.

Things didn't go so well.

Angrod and Aegnor were killed.

Celegorm and Curufin ran away.

Maglor had to go and hide out with his big brother.

There were Men helping out in this battle. One of them was Bregolas, (no, not Legolas, Bregolas!) Bregolas doesn't do anything much in the story except die, but he is randomly mentioned right through the book. Randomly mentioned doing nothing.

Why?

So that people like me skim reading through see his name and think "ooh Legolas! ... No, no, it's only Bregolas" A cruel joke Tolkien was playing on Legolas lovers as if it wasn't bad enough he wrote a whole book without him in it.

Finrod, got himself into serious trouble in the battle, surrounded by Orcs with no way out, (were they singing Finrod?) Just when he was about to get slaughtered Barahir showed up to save him. Thats Barahir, brother of Bregolas, ( Bregolas, NOT Legolas).

Barahir and his sidekicks saved the day and Finrod was so happy he gave Barahir a ring. Is this ringing any bells? The ring of Barahir, that piece of jewellery Aragorn kept flashing around whenever he wanted attention. " Look at me, I have the ring of Barahir. I am important!" Turns out it isn't the Ring of Barahir at all guys, It's the Ring of Finrod. Credit where credit's due.

And while we are on the subject why is it everybody who sees that ring instantly says "oh the Ring of Barahir, even though I have no reason at all to know what that looks like. I am sure that ring is it"

Maybe it was the only ring Men ever owned, (apart from those evil Sauron ones and the less said about them the better), and that's why everyone recognised it?

Maybe from the day they were born every Man in existence was shown pictures of the Ring of Barahir just in case they ever stumbled across it.

I wonder if Galadriel was ever the slightest bit annoyed by Aragorn strutting around Lothlorien, wearing her beloved brothers ring like it belonged to him and never acknowledging poor Finrod?

Because, you know, given what happened to Finrod because of that ring it has to be a bit of a sore point.

But Finrod didn't stop with the ring. He swore an Oath to Barahir and all his family that came after saying he would protect them in the future. I don't think he really anticipated where this would end up...but oaths are like that.

And so Finrod's panicked prophecy to Galadriel, about swearing an oath and not having a son came true.

Or did it?

Looking at you, Gildor Inglorion.


	25. The Fall of Fingolfin

The Fall of Fingolfin

Fingolfin heard about all the defeats and took them hard. Angrod, Aegnor, Curufin, Celegorm, Maglor, even Caranthir.

The last straw was hearing Finrod was reduced to giving away the family jewellery. This was unacceptable. Grandsons of Finwë did not give away jewellery.

Fingolfin determined to do something about it. He marched off,(by himself) to sort things out with Morgoth once and for all.

He seems to have overlooked some important issues.

Firstly it wasn't actually Morgoth Finrod gave the jewellery to.

Secondly there has been a history of Elves facing Morgoth not doing that well. Remember Fëanor? Remember Finwë?

Fingolfin marched up to the gates of Angband and starting throwing insults at the worlds most evil Valar.

Morgoth, who had been undergoing anger management training, tried to do his best to ignore him.

Fingolfin called him a coward.

Morgoth just couldn't let that one go.

He came out. All dressed in impressive Black as you would expect.

Fingolfin was dressed in sparkly silver.

They are about to have a fight to the death but Tolkien makes sure to take the time to tell us just how good they both looked, as if they are models at Fashion week. Very odd.

As expected, Fingolfin, despite having the best looking armour, lost. He was brave though, very brave. He hit Morgoth seven times and left him with a limp so bad Morgoth never came out of his fortress again he was so embarrassed by it.

The Valar didn't cope well with disability.

Predictable as always Thorondor the Eagle shows up way too late. Makes a dramatic attempt at attacking Morgoth so he can get some glory, ( show off, show off) and flies off with dead Fingolfin.

He's dead, Thorondor. He's dead. Where were you when he actually could have benefited from you being there?

I don't get why the Elves aren't completely pissed off at the Eagles by now.

I just don't get it.


	26. Luthien was a Princess

**Authors Note:** Be warned. I am not keen on Lùthien, or Beren for that matter. If they are your favs you might want to skip thier entire story...

Lúthien was a princess.

In the worst sense of the word.

She was pretty, talented and spoilt beyond belief.

I am not sure she was completely right in the head. She never did anything useful. She seemed to spend all her time dancing barefoot in the forest.

Other elves ignored this fact, they just went " ah Lúthien, bless her"

There was musician who had a serious crush on her. How he ever thought Thingol would entertain him having anything to do with his daughter I don't know. How he ever thought Lúthien would entertain having anything to do with him I don't know...and she didn't, she just kept the poor guy begging for scraps. He was useful, he could play music for her weird barefoot dancing obsession.

Into Lúthien's slightly bizarre universe stumbled Beren. He was the nephew of Bregolas, (Bregolas, NOT Legolas) and son of Barahir...of the ring. Beren had the ring of Barahir/Finrod and he made sure everybody knew it. Any opportunity he got he was showing that ring off.

Of course predictably as soon as he saw Lúthien he was enchanted. It's unclear if he was enchanted WITH her or enchanted BY her...her mother did have a history of enchanting males who stumbled into her presence so Beren can count himself lucky he wasn't frozen to the spot for eons like poor old grumpy Thingol.

After spending some time happily skipping barefoot round the forest together while the musician seethed away in the background Beren and Lúthien fronted up before Thingol.

No prizes for guessing how their lovely little twosome, ( a threesome I guess if you count the poor background musician), went down with him. An ugly hairy, sweaty man was NOT what he wanted for his daughter...not at all. " I didn't have the worlds most beautiful Elleth as a daughter just so she could shack up with the likes of you " he said.

Thingol, you should count yourself lucky she has found someone who can put up with her constant and never ending dance compulsion. Honestly not that many guys would be prepared to go there.

Thingol was outraged... And about to do something rather drastic, kill off Beren, to protect his daughters honor when Melian his wife said she could foresee that he really shouldn't do that and he made the mistake of listening to her.

More fool Thingol.

Turns out Melian could be wrong.

Turns out Melian was really wrong about this one.

I'm sorry Melian but it has to be said, the people of Doriath, not to mention the lovely Finrod would have all been much better off if you had kept your nose and your visions out of this. A dead Beren at this point would have improved the lot of everyone, except Beren, (and maybe Lúthien but really up until now what has she contributed to Doriath apart from some very pleasant eye candy and complicated dance steps?)

So Thingol came up with a plan, it was a wicked plan, it was a selfish plan and it was a very very foolish plan. As he announced it you can almost see Melian wishing the ground would open up and swallow her so she didn't have to stand next to him and listen to it.

Beren would have to fetch him a Silmaril, from Morgoth's crown no less if he wished to come within 100 metres of Lúthien in the future.

" Right," said Beren " Piece of cake. I'll be off then" demonstrating that Men had a long long way to go on their quest for intelligence.

But the prize for the worlds biggest idiot goes to Thingol because where, when and in what way ever, was owning a Silmaril the Sons of Fëanor had earmarked as theirs a good idea.

What did you think would happen when you got it Thingol...I ask you?!

I have no words.


	27. Celegorm is just Misunderstood

Celegorm is just Misunderstood.

Celegorm was miserable. Since the disastrous episode with Aredhel which Maedhros had put a stop to, he had had no love life. No girlfriend and no boyfriend either.

He was forced to live a bachelor life with his brother and a talking dog. A dog who was only allowed to talk three times in its life yet despite Celegorm caring for it lovingly for thousands of years the dog never chose to talk to him.

Celegorm was lonely. He didn't want to be an anorak wearing bachelor, he wanted to be a cool, good looking, charismatic guy with a handsome prince for a boyfriend, ( just like his big brother).

Embarrassingly he and Curufin had ended up running away from Morgoth. This was not a good start in the cool, good looking, charismatic project. You didn't see Maedhros running away from Morgoth.

He wandered the land with his army contemplating his next move " What would Maedhros do?" He asked himself. (Well Maedhros wouldn't have run away in the first place Celegorm but there is not much you can do about that particular point now.)

Then he remembered Maedhros's words of advice all those years ago... What about Finrod?

"Hmmm" he thought. " The gossip says Finrod has moved on from dwarves and is now into Men, well I look more like a Man than a dwarf, if I dirty myself up a bit maybe I have a chance"

And so he and Curufin, ( who he just couldn't seem to get rid of) went to pay a visit to Nargothrond. Things went well initially. Finrod was friendly, Finrod's people were friendly. I am sure the fact Celegorm had bought a large army with him when their own army had nearly been annihilated had nothing at all to do with that.

But much to Celegorm's frustration he got nowhere with Finrod, nowhere at all.

"What am I doing wrong" he said to himself, " I am a son of Fëanor, I am powerful and desirable, why doesn't he want me? I spend lots of time with him. Honestly if I have to listen to any more of these constant conversations about Turgon I am going to go mad. The man is the most boring elf in Arda, how on earth can Finrod find so much to say about him?"

Celegorm decided he had to stick it out. Time was on his side. He just had to stay in Nargothrond long enough and Finrod would fall for him. He invested in some earplugs to help with his Turgon intolerance and kept on trying.

Then Beren turned up.

He strolled into Nargothrond like he owned the place, gate crashed a council meeting, flashing Finrod's ring around demanding Finrod fulfil his oath and go with him to get a Silmaril from Morgoth.

And Finrod listened.

Celegorm was horrified. Didn't Finrod know what Morgoth would do to him, what he had done to Maedhros, to Fingolfin? Celegorm had become very fond of Finrod, he just couldn't let this happen.

So he begged and pleaded, he reminded Finrod how dangerous it was, asked him to reconsider.

Finrod didn't listen.

So Celegorm tried another tack. He got angry, he blustered and threatened, he promised the wrath of the Sons of Fëanor would rain down upon Nargothrond if they helped Beren in his quest.

But Finrod left.

And all Celegorm managed to achieve was make Finrod have to go on his own while his army stayed behind, afraid of the Fëanorian's.

What had he done?

It wasn't till several days later a thought occurred to Celegorm.

" Maybe I should have gone with them, with my super strong talking dog. I could have protected Finrod and claimed the Silmaril for the Sons of Fëanor ...That's what Maedhros would have done..."

Oh Dear.


	28. Sing, Sing a Song

Sing, Sing a Song.

Finrod and Beren, ( and their woefully inadequate for attacking Morgoth Gang) set off.

They came across some Orcs who they killed, as you do. But they didn't stop there. They borrowed their gear, (how did it fit?) and then it turned out Finrod had a hidden talent for " Making people look like Orcs". Not a very useful talent to have in the usual way of things, no wonder he kept it quiet until now... Or did he? Maybe he wasn't charismatic and charming at all, Maybe he got people to do what he said by making them look like an orc if they didn't?

Finrod: "Go clean the toilet or I will make you look like an orc"

Elf: " yes Sir, right away Sir!"

Maybe he did it for kicks when he was drunk.

So Finrod made them all look like Orcs and they marched on trying to sneak up on Morgoth. Unfortunately they marched straight past Sauron's outpost and neglected to report in about their Orc duties. Shame on you Finrod, you are a Leader. You should at least know a bit about army protocol.

Sauron wasn't having any Orcs ignore him and captured them. Now we haven't seen much of Sauron until now. He seems to have rather a lot to learn about being an evil minion at this point, I think perhaps Morgoth gets him some extra tutorage in this before the Ring War.

I also wonder if he was maybe not quite the full quid. A sandwich short of a picnic so to speak. As far as he knew he had just captured some disobedient orcs. They needed to be punished of course. Discipline is everything in an evil army. So he forces them to...enter into a singing contest...ok then.

And now the mystery of the singing orcs is solved. They could sing! They had to sing because Sauron obviously kept an iron rod of control by randomly forcing impromptu singalongs on them. Poor Orcs marching along, doing their Orc business and Sauron leaps out from behind the bushes, yelling " Sing. Now!"

Oh Dear, Sauron, are you sure being an evil sidekick is your best career move?

So Finrod and Sauron had the worlds most awesome singing duel. If Sauron was surprised to find an Orc could sing so well he doesn't say. Sauron won, Finrod collapsed and the Orc disguises disappeared.

Now Morgoth for some time had been a bit obsessed about the whereabouts of Finrod and Turgon. He didn't know where they were hiding and he wanted to. Something was up with those two and he wanted to know all the details. Don't we all, Morgoth, don't we all. He had spies combing the surroundings searching for any sign of them. Yet he seems not to have passed this information on to Sauron.

Perhaps Morgoth too realised Sauron was a bit intellectually challenged.

So when the Orc disguises vanished and Sauron could see who Finrod, Beren and their woefully inadequate for attacking Morgoth gang really were he didn't recognise Finrod.

Really?

How many golden haired Noldor were there wandering around Middle Earth at this time? Not many I can tell you. Remember Glorfindel was locked away in Gondolin. So Finrod is on Morgoth's most wanted list, Sauron discovers an elf with golden hair and still doesn't put two and two together?

Morgoth, do you have any other options for a second in command? I think perhaps you should consider a recruitment drive.


	29. Goodbye Finrod

Goodbye Finrod.

Finrod, Beren and co were thrown in Sauron's dungeon and here starts the most horrendous incident in the Silmarillion. I know the book is full of horrendous incidents but honestly this one takes the cake.

What could be worse than waiting in a dungeon while werewolves come in every now and then and randomly eat you one at a time.

Sauron wanted to keep Finrod for last. I think he had plans to train him up as a soloist in one of his orc choirs but Finrod was having none of it. He fulfilled his vow by throwing himself to the wolves thus saving Beren. Now is the time to realise you have completely stuffed things up Beren and maybe giving Finrod back his ring might be appropriate also...oh I see you haven't done that.

And there endeth Finrod. We will all miss him. No one more so than Turgon.

But wait... There's more...

Finrod ended up on a fast track through the afterlife and found himself lined up before Mandos to receive his judgement.

Mandos: Finrod. So good to see you. May I say how pleased we all are with you. You have truly been our golden boy on Arda.

Finrod: Um... Are you sure, because on reflection I think I was a bit wild there for a while. A lot of things have become clear now that I am dead and I...

Mandos: oh yes, yes, Manwë has it all written down here in his brief. He has been keeping a careful watch from behind his mountains. Now let's see...oh yes, you made friends with the dwarves, Aulë was especially pleased about that.

Finrod: The dwarves washed their hands of me because I stole all their jewellery.

Mandos: ...and you welcomed the Men so nicely, that was just charming.

Finrod: So you didn't hear about the impersonating a Valar thing? To tell the truth I have been a bit worried about that...

Mandos: ...and the way you facilitated their acceptance into Elven society. Wonderful!...

Finrod: I sold them into slavery...

Mandos: ...and you have kept yourself chaste all these years cherishing Amaire's memory...

Finrod: Are you serious? How could Ulmo not have told you about Turgon and the river?

Mandos: ...even when that meant you didn't have a son to inherit your kingdom. So self sacrificing...

Finrod: Ah, so haven't heard about Gildor either then, why am I not surprised. Look here. I really think there seems to have been a bit of a misunderstanding ...

Mandos:... and so Finrod, we have decided to reward you. We are going to send you back!

At this Finrod's ears perked up, he leaned forward excitedly, " Back? Really? How about going back to Gondolin? I am sure they could do with a golden haired champion!"

Mandos shook his head, " No they already have one of those. Anyway this is a reward, not a punishment. We are sending you back to Valinor! You can finally be reunited with the lovely Amarië !"

" What!" cried Finrod, " Are you mad? I don't want Amarië, Why do you think I left her behind? It's Turgon I want, Turgon, Turgon! Will you just listen to me..."

And so Finrod was dragged off kicking and screaming, shouting Turgon's name.

But Mandos didn't listen. After all Finrod's screams were screams of joy surely... Who wouldn't want to spend the rest of eternity in Valinor with the Valar? They were all just begging to come back... Right?


	30. Just How many Werewolves does Sauron hav

Just How Many Werewolves does Sauron Have?

Finrod was dead and Beren was left alone in the dungeon to think seriously about what he had done.

That same hour by tremendous coincidence someone showed up to save them. Let me guess, you cry...it has to be a giant eagle!

Wrong! Just this once you are wrong. It was Lúthien. Talk about the worlds worst timing. To be fair she had been delayed slightly by a small misunderstanding with Celegorm who, when he met her passing through had thought her a perfect addition to his "be Cool, good looking and charismatic, Just like Maedhros" project. ( After all what could aid him in that better than having Lúthien as a girlfriend?) and had somehow ended up kidnapping her.

Poor Celegorm. These unfortunate incidents just keep happening to him.

Still it was a minor inconvenience only to Lúthien who escaped along with Celegorm's super strong talking dog... And by covering herself in hair.

In elf hair.

Made into a cloak.

Which made her invisible.

Wait, you mean to say all those groovy cloaks Galadriel gave the fellowship that helped them hide from people were made of elf hair? Just how many Lorien Elves did she force to shave their heads to make those cloaks? And why didn't Legolas just make his own? Did he get some kind of strange kick out of wearing Lorien elf hair instead of Mirkwood elf hair?

If elves can make themselves invisible by wearing clothes made of hair why are their heads, where the hair normally resides not invisible all the time.

Don't Ask!

(mental picture of all these seemingly headless elves wandering around disguised by their hair. At least we now know why they all never cut it.)

Anyway Lúthien arrived.

Late.

Looking for Beren.

She stood on the bridge and sang a song, and Beren heard her an answered with a song of his own...

Hang on. Wait just one sounds awfully familiar. She has stolen Maedhros and Fingon's rescue scene. Don't they have copywrite on this or something? Does every elf in existance now think they have to sing songs at people to rescue them?

I can hear Maedhros now. " Stop. Just stop with the song singing. It was embarrassing enough when Fingon did it. I don't need to be reminded of this every time someone needs rescuing!"

So Sauron heard Lúthien singing and sent some werewolves, (his animal of choice at the moment) after her. Unfortunately he only sent them one by one. Sending a large pack of them all at once may have been more beneficial. Another lesson learned for Sauron.

Because Huan, Celegorms super strong talking dog killed them all...one by one.

In the end Sauron thought " if you want a job doing properly do it yourself", turned himself into a werewolf and went to see why none of them were coming back. Not the smartest move. He found out why none of them were coming back when Huan beat him too.

So let's be clear about this. Sauron has been beaten to a pulp by Huan the super strong talking Dog. Sauron is defeated. Sauron is powerless. Sauron is lying on the ground begging for mercy.

This is Sauron. Brains behind all those evil rings. Protagonist of the Ring War. Person the whole of the Lord of the Rings was about defeating. Incredibly evil guy who corrupted Saruman. Sauron, causer of misery to Middle Earth for eons.

Defeated.

So what happened? If he was defeated so easily by Lúthien why does he live to tell the tale and go back to happily spreading evil for hundreds of years?

Because she let him go. She asked for power over his tower and then let him go. Lúthien, did you ever stop to think about something else other than your love life for long enough to realise this was incredibly stupid, ( or incredibly selfish, take your pick.)

She lets Sauron go, collects Beren and waltzes out of there. Then she and Beren without a care go straight back to dancing round forests and growing flowers.

And Finrod was stuck in Valinor forever, desperately trying to escape the clutches of the ever persistent Amarië because of these Losers?

Life is so unfair.


	31. Is Anyone else Fed up with Beren yet?

Is anyone else fed up with Beren and Lúthien yet or is it just me?

I can tell you one person who isn't sick of the pair of them and that's Tolkien. In fact he is so enamoured with them he writes their story out all over again. So if we weren't already completely bored by them we have to read about them doing the exact same idiotic mistakes for a second time.

They skip all the way back to Doriath before they realise they don't actually have the Silmaril they wanted to get in the first place.

So Beren leaves to go get it...Again.

And Luthien escapes to follow him...Again.

On the way they run into Celegorm and Curufin...Again.

Celegorm is NOT impressed when he spots Beren " Hey you" he shouts, " where is Finrod? What have you done with him?" And then he sees Luthien is there too and gets even less impressed. " you are that chick who stole my super strong talking dog! What are you about? You can't just run around stealing people's dogs and think you will get away with it!"

And so he shoots some arrows at them in an attempt to exact vengeance for Finrod obviously. As usual it all goes wrong and he and Curufin end up running away.

Poor Celegorm. He tries so hard but yet again this is not the way Maedhros would have handled things.

So Beren and Luthien go on their merry way off to see Morgoth...Again.

But not before Luthien steals Celegorms super strong talking dog...Again.

No Sauron this time, he is still off sulking about the werewolf problem.

Using various magical tricks they elude all Morgoth's minions...Again.

They walk right into his hall then Luthien puts him to sleep. Who knew it would be so easy.

Then they prove how absolutely selfish, ( or stupid) they are ...Again.

This is Morgoth. Evil Valar. Killer of multiple important elves and torturer of many more. Morgoth, boss of all the evil bosses.

He is asleep. At their mercy. Unconscious on the floor.

Beginning to sound like the Sauron situation? That's because it is. Exactly the same.

And Beren and Luthien don't use their advantage to kill him. They don't seize the opportunity to end this whole sorry saga and free Middle Earth from his tyranny.

No. Oh no. Because that would be magnanimous. That would be putting others before themselves and if there is one thing Beren and Luthien NEVER do it is that.

They ignore the best opportunity ever for Elves and Humans to kill Morgoth and go for the Silmaril instead, waking him up in the process.

Damn shame Morgorth didn't cut them both up into little pieces then and there if you ask me!

Note to Beren and Lùthien: you do know if you had just killed him first when you had the chance you could have walked away with all the Silmarils don't you?


	32. Exactly What is Wrong with Aragorn?

Seriously, What exactly is wrong with Aragorn?

I am afraid the thought of having to write more Beren and Lùthien is causing me to lose the will to live and so we will cut a long story short.

It is a very long story and we will cut it very short. Absolutely important details only.

So Beren and Lùthien run away with the Silmaril and Morgoth sends the worlds worst werewolf after them...not sure why Sauron didn't have this one at his disposal.

Unfortunately Beren has to lose his hand, and the Silmaril to the werewolf so they can escape.

Ok now this is just going too far with the Taking the Mickey out of Maedhros and Fingon. First they steal the song rescue and now Beren loses a hand as well! Come on Tolkien stop recycling all your plot lines. You can do better then this.

They head back to Doriath Where Beren tells Thingol, " Sorry, don't have the Silmaril and unfortunately I seem to have unleashed an insane murderous werewolf into your lands who is as we speak running around killing everyone...so sorry about that, I did lose my hand though..."

Thingol and Crew embark on a werewolf hunt which ends up with Thingol having the Silmaril, a dead werewolf, a dead Huan ( super strong talking dog) and a dead Beren. Lùthien, being a drama queen just has to die as well.

Beren and Lùthien show up in front of Mandos, who, you would think, should kick the shit out of them for their appalling behaviour up until this point but no. He is suckered into believing their sob story and sends them back to Arda to live happily ever after, (Lùthien does have to go back as a mortal as some kind of a penalty but it's really just a slap on the wrist with a wet dishcloth, I wonder why he even bothered)

And that is ( almost) the last we see of the pair of them.

Thank Goodness!

That is until we get to the Lord of the Rings when Aragorn is compelled to mention them almost daily, that's when he is not spending his time singing mournful songs about them. He had a serious Beren and Lùthien obsession. I think he needed counselling.

The strangest thing about this whole tale is that Aragorn, when meeting Arwen while wandering aimlessly around Lothlorien thought that an appropriate chat up line was "Hi, you remind me of Lùthien, a spoilt brat who never did anything for anybody and I am like Beren, the selfish idiot who got your Great Uncle killed, want to get together?"

And what is even stranger than that is that Arwen fell for it.

A more sensible response from her should have been "Mate, I don't know who you are but you just compared me to my Great Grandmother. Think about it, that is really not very flattering and by the way I believe that is my Great Uncles ring you are wearing. Do you think you could give it back?!"

Maybe Aragorn was right, maybe he and Arwen really were just as bad as the other two, they just managed to hide it better...


	33. Where is a Good Relationship Counsellor?

Where is a Good Relationship Counsellor when you need one?

Meanwhile on a Battlefield far, far away Fingon was waiting for Maedhros...and waiting , and waiting...

" Where is he?" He muttered. " He is such a terrible timekeeper, he is always doing this...shows me no respect. I am the High King after all, not him. Why is this called the Union of Maedhros and not the Union of Fingon? No wonder my best mates are always telling me I should dump him during our wine drinking, gossip about your boyfriends, sessions."

He was interrupted from his relationship angst by the surprise arrival of his brother Turgon, who had managed to pop up from around the corner with a handy 10,000 elves.

10,000 of them and no one saw them coming.

I think Fingon needs to sort out his information network which seems kind of lacking.

Still Fingon was pleased to see him. " Turgon!" He exclaimed " Long time no see. You disappeared for hundreds of years and none of us have given you a second thought but still great to see you back!...you do realise you missed Dads funeral don't you?..."

" Hi Fingon," Turgon replied nonchalantly " just happened to be in the area and thought I would drop in. Just an accidental coincidence of course...I certainly wasn't planning to be here...by the way...I don't suppose you have seen Finrod here anywhere? Not that I came on purpose to see him or anything, But now that I am here...I thought he might be around...really should just say hello...would be polite..."

" Brother" said Fingon " You seriously need to get out more. Didn't you hear he died? Ages ago, a Werewolf ate him. It was all the gossip for months, how could you not have heard?"

Poor Turgon was speechless "What?...but I just realised...I thought I could...that we would...dead?"

" yes well, it was all very upsetting of course" continued Fingon " but enough about old gossip that happened years ago, what about me. Maedhros has stood me up...Again. He does this all the time you know. I have to do something dramatic to make a statement this time. That's what my friends say I should do. I can't let him get away with this..." And off he went leaving Turgon a stammering mess on his own.

Fingon decided he had had enough. This was the last straw. He would not hang around waiting for Maedhros any longer. He needed to show Maedhros that he didn't need him. His mates were right... It wasn't ok to let Maedhros keep treating him like this.

" Right." He said to his men, " This is the last time I let Maedhros walk all over me. We will attack without him. That will show him. He will never leave me waiting around again!"

Fingon, I don't think you have given this enough thought. Maybe a battlefield is not the appropriate time for dramatic relationship statements.

Remember this is the Battle of Unnumbered Tears. That should give you a hint that this is NOT a good idea.

But there was no stopping Fingon. His mind was made up and off he went, on his own, without Maedhros to fight Morgoth. Well he did have an army with him so slightly more clued up than Fingolfin or Fëanor had been but still,

There is no way this can end well.


	34. A Brief Fëanorian Conversation

A Brief Feanorian Conversation.

Celegorm was miserable. He had run all the way back to Himring and now Maedhros was reading him the riot act with Maglor standing silently behind him...Glaring. Celegorm found he wasn't entirely sure if he was glaring at him or at Maedhros which was rather disconcerting.

" Never again will I let you wander around without supervision! What were you thinking Celegorm? Let me guess, you just weren't thinking at all were you!"

" I WAS thinking Maedhros, I was trying to be more like you..."

" You have to be kidding me! Did you seriously think I would let Finrod go off alone with a lovesick human to try and get one of OUR Silmarils. You knew he had been a mess for ages and I was trying to get him back on the straight and narrow. How could you be so irresponsible?"

" I was trying to stop him...it all went wrong..."

" and you thought I would think it politically expedient to kidnap Thingols only daughter and try and shoot her? "

" Maedhros, you don't understand ...She stole my dog!"

" How is it possible that I have six brothers and only one of them has any brains?

I am trying to build this amazing new Elf alliance and now there is no one from Nargothrond and no one from Doriath because you have upset them all. Thank Goodness I have all those Easterlings to rely on."

" About those Easterlings Maedhros ... Do you think that's wise?..."

" I don't want to hear another word from you Celegorm. Now hurry up, I told Fingon I would meet him on the battlefield at 10 and I am late already, He will think I have stood him up...come on will you..., Uldor the Accursed wants to talk to me before we go"

And Maedhros stormed off leaving poor Celegorm trailing unhappily behind him.

Oh Maedhros...you should have listened to Celegorm...just this once!

P.s. As a general rule you should probably avoid people named " Accursed"


	35. Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon: Pt 3

The Sad Tale of Maedhros and Fingon : Part 3

As he rushed toward the battlefield Maedhros was angry with himself. He was fuming.

" I am so late. Fingon will be furious. He told me never to let him down like this again. Why, why, why did I waste so much time talking to Uldor the Accursed. Why didn't I notice his last name was The Accursed?"

" Perhaps there's only one of us who has any brains..." Muttered Maglor from behind him.

This did not improve Maedhros's mood.

And his mood got even worse when he finally arrived at the battle. " What has he done? " he gasped horrified " he has attacked Morgoth without me. Fingon, you really are an idiot, why would he do this?"

" Because he is Fingon the Valiant remember " Maglor piped up still behind him. (that's where Maglor has to spend this entire story, just behind Maedhros. I think by now he is getting a bit sick of it.) "Fingon who rushes in where others fear to tread and doesn't think about the consequences. You thought it was wonderful that time he rescued you, when I had to hold it all together and worry about our people. Then it was all, ' Where were you Maglor ? Why weren't you more like Fingon, Maglor ?, Fingon came to rescue me and you didn't Maglor' "

( I think Maglor may have some Fingon issues).

Maedhros ignored him, ( perhaps that is the problem?) and leapt in to battle. " Well I have to reach him now, before he does something even more ridiculous...like that singing. I bet he has that damn harp somewhere, he never goes anywhere without it."

Unfortunately for Maedhros, Gothmog the Balrog got there first and it all ended very messily for Fingon. In fact Tolkien makes a special point of telling us just how very, very messily it ended for Fingon, who's last thoughts were probably " Maybe I should have just waited for Maedhros after all..."

He did go out in a blaze of glory though with a white flame shooting out of his helmet. Fingon was nothing if not totally glorious!

"Fingon..." Maedhros wailed from across the battlefield. " I was only a few days late...why didn't you wait for me? We are immortal. Time is supposed to be of no consequence for us..."

Poor Maedhros. He failed to take into account the damage a couple of jealous friends and a few glasses of wine can do to a relationship.

But Maglor gets the last word, which doesn't happen often.

" Fingon the slightly squished, I think he is now. Suddenly it's not that great that he is so impetuous is it?"


	36. A bit of Cultural Confusion

A bit of Cultural Confusion

There weren't just Elves at The Battle of Unnumbered Tears. Some Men were floating around as well

Hurin and Huor were two of them. ( Men were really bad at names,and you thought the Fins were bad...)

Hurin and Huor stumbled across Turgon wallowing in misery amidst the battle. "Turgon, what are you doing?" They cried.

" Sorry I am not in the mood for talking " was Turgon's reply, " I have just found out my soulmate is dead. I need some alone time..."

" Fingon was your soulmate?" asked Huor, rather confused.

" No you idiot! Fingon was my brother... What strange customs you Men must have. Fingon was Maedhros's soulmate, everyone knows that! My soulmate was someone else...anyway he is dead now...just leave me alone."

"I think I will make a prophecy. That's sure to cheer you up, nothing an elf likes better than a good prophecy so I have heard" announced Huor.

" Finrod made a prophecy" mumbled Turgon.

" yes well, not sure how that's relevant. Mine will be better. If we join our houses a star will be born. How's that for a prophecy! "

" Look, thanks for the proposition" sighed Turgon " and nothing personal but I am just not in the mood for joining with anyone right now. Also we are in the middle of a battlefield, I am not sure what kind of things Men get up to but isn't that a little bit inappropriate?... Anyway, a baby born from you and I? How would that even work? Is there something about Mens anatomy I am not understanding? I know I wear robes but you do know I am a guy... Right?"

" Not you and I." Huor shook his head with frustration " must I explain everything in detail? I thought elves were intelligent and big on this prophecy stuff. My son...your daughter...get it now?"

" Have you met my daughter?" Asked Turgon. He was disbelieving. " Because she has a rather high opinion of herself, and anyway moody Maeglin is after her, I am not sure your plan is going to work"

Hurin lost patience with this inane conversation and butted in " Turgon, you need to get out of here. You are King of the Noldor now, you should make a run for it. We will cover your escape and fight to our deaths. After all you Elves are so much better than us, the best we can hope for is the opportunity to throw our lives away letting you do a runner"

"Well far be it from me to prevent your dramatic sacrifice, I'll be off" and Turgon gathered his 10,000 elves and ran away. I am not sure why the humans had to get themselves killed enabling him to escape when he had his own elves who could have done that for him.

They marched all the way back to Gondolin with no one noticing.

Now say what you like about Turgon. He may be boring but boy was he good at sneaking around undetected. How anyone can march an army miles across country without being noticed is beyond me.

And Hurin and Huor did fight to their deaths. Well Huor did.

Hurin was captured and survived...but I bet he wishes he didn't.


	37. Turin

Turin

Turin was the Worlds most miserable Man.

He was someone it didn't pay to get too close to, because Turin had an unfortunate habit of killing people accidentally. Stand next to Turin and suddenly...oops...your dead!

Turin was the Son of Hurin, (told you names were not Mans' strong point) who was, for most of Turin's life, held captive due to his self sacrificing, "Let's let Turgon escape", antics.

Turin ending up living with Thingol in Doriath and somehow, despite the fact Thingol had an intense Man allergy up to this point, this all magically changes with the arrival of Turin and Thingol totally develops a massive blind spot towards him.

Not sure what you were doing there Tolkien? Having spent the entire book convincing us Thingol likes nobody outside his little enchanted forest suddenly he thinks Turin is the best thing since sliced bread because his "mood had changed" What is going on? Has he just been pre-menstrual for the last several thousand years or something?

Unfortunately Turin hanging around Doriath didn't turn out well for at least one of Thingol's elves. Saeros was his name. As far as elves go he was a rather grumpy, sulky one.

He got into a food fight with Turin at dinner one night and ended up being grievously hurt by a flying drinking vessel. Told you...stay well away from Turin. Who else could grievously injure someone with something as innocuous as a drinking vessel.

Tolkien doesn't go into detail about Saeros's drinking vessel injuries. Possibly because he realised it WAS rather hard to come up with something serious a drinking vessel could actually do to you...so he just settles for letting us know it was definitely grievous.

However not that grievous...because the next day Saeros was up and about and waylaying Turin in the woods. I know elves heal well but you know...supposedly grievously injured, you would think he would at least take the chance to spend the next day in bed.

The waylaying went about as well as the food fight and ended up with Turin stripping him of his clothes and chasing him naked through the woods. Maybe Turin just wanted to try get himself a bit of Elf Action but he obviously wasn't Saeros's type.

Take the hint Turin. He is running away in terror...this usually means he is not that keen.

Saeros was so terrified he ran off a cliff and into a inappropriately placed chasm. This meant he has the honor of becoming the first of Turin's accidental killings. The first of many.

Turin having heard that Thingol, up till now, hadn't been the worlds most reasonable Elf did a runner going off to join a band of the worlds worst outlaws...as you do.

He obviously forgot about Thingol's unexpected, unexplained, random mood change because Thingol, against all probability, pardoned him.

He killed an elf, Thingol... Accidentally I know, but still... You spend thousands of years hating on the Noldor, never forgiving them, but Turin gets a Get Out of Jail Free card?

Ok. Own up. Who has stolen Thingol and replaced him with this Thingol impersonator?

Who is it?


	38. Beleg

Beleg.

Beleg was awesome.

Much as I hate using that word, there is no other word for Beleg.

If there was a Sindar Elf worth writing about Beleg was it.

So Tolkien hardly writes about him at all. Can you hear me Tolkien? We should have had more Beleg.

LESS Beren and Luthien. MORE Beleg!

Beleg and Turin were mates...best mates...maybe more than best mates...

Sindar Elf and Human foster son of Elves, Inseparable best Friends, sound familiar?

Oh it is just like Aragorn and Legolas.

Unfortunately Turin being Turin he ends up accidentally killing Beleg.

So not like Aragorn and Legolas at all then.

Can you imagine it? The Three Hunters chasing Orcs across Rohan when Aragorn accidentally runs Legolas through with his sword... Oops...well that would have caused Gimli a bit of psychological trauma!

Still I digress because that hasn't actually happened yet.

The Thingol Impostor suffering from pangs of misplaced guilt at Turin's disappearance sent Beleg out to find him. Unfortunately this didn't go all that well,( It's Turin's story so take it as read from here, nothing in this story turns out well).

Turin's gang of Worlds Worst outlaws beat him up. Not sure where Turin was when that happened, off looking for another naked elf running in the woods possibly?

Still when he finally gets back Beleg forgives him. Everyone always forgives Turin no matter what he does and I totally don't get why.

Turin though, against all better judgement, won't go back to Doriath. Turin's better judgement is shown to be seriously lacking throughout this tale.

So Beleg troops back without him.

He has a meeting with Impostor of Thingol, and Melian, who despite being a Maia, seems not to have noticed Thingol's complete personality change. They send poor Beleg back out to Turin with some gifts and such lovely gifts they are too.

From Thingol, Beleg gets a...cursed, semi evil sword.

A sword made by Eol, full of malice, that resents anyone that owns it.

So helpful Thingol.

From Melian the Maia. The powerful magical Maia he gets...bread. Lembas bread to be exact. All this power, all this magic and the most helpful thing she can come up with is bread.

Seriously?

Apparently Men have never tasted this bread before so this is supposed to be a big exciting thing for them. I can see it their reaction now.

" She sent us bread?! ...oh yay...so exciting...not.."

So with these lovely thoughtful gifts...the evil sword and bread. Beleg sets out once again.

In his absence Turin has managed to accidentally kill a Petty Dwarf and he and his gang are spending their time hanging out with the Petty Dwarfs Dad, Mim, who has forgiven them...kind of... As everyone does forgive Turin.

Note to Turin: Actually hanging out with someone whose son you just killed is probably not the best idea. No matter how many times they say they have forgiven you.

Turin is pleased when his best mate Beleg shows up, despite the really rubbish gifts he brings. But Mim the Petty Dwarf is less so.

In fact he is kind of jealous.

I totally don't blame him because as I said Beleg is awesome! No wonder Turin ditches the Petty Dwarf the moment Beleg shows up.

Note to Turin: When dumping someone it pays to be not quite so obvious.

This will cause some problems...in the next chapter.


	39. Why Not to Hang with Petty Dwarves

Why Hanging with Petty Dwarves is not a Good idea.

It turns out Mim the Petty Dwarf used to hang out at Finrod's place and he was not best pleased that Finrod had managed to somehow nick the whole entire cave set up from him and his other petty dwarf mates. It seems no one explained to them Finrod had gone off the rails when they let him in.

So obviously when Beleg the Elf showed up and Turin spontaneously lost all interest in Mim at the same time this meant Beleg was suddenly persona non grata in the Petty Dwarf world.

Unfortunately, this coincided with Turin getting a rather bad case of swelled head and going round wearing a helm which let Morgoth know exactly who...and where he was. Not your brightest moment Turin.

In fact it was such a spectacularly bad move Tolkien tells us Morgoth actually laughed.

Probably a really evil laugh.

You know the kind...mwha ha ha ha ha.

So Mim, sulky petty dwarf teamed up with the singing orcs of Morgoth and arranged to get Beleg killed, making sure Turin would get off scot free...either because he secretly had a crush on him or because he planned some kind of personal revenge for the randomly forgotten death of his son.

We never get to find out which because Mim ends up getting scared off by a sorely wounded Beleg and flees, wailing from the hill top. The worlds most embarrassing exit from a story...wailing...

Beleg then undergoes a miraculous healing process which is not very clearly explained, possibly because Tolkien was a bit unsure of the details himself, and discovered he had foolishly lost track of Turin.

Take your chance while you can Beleg and get well away from him!

Remember what happened to Saeros.

Run Beleg Run...and make sure you stay well away from any chasms.


	40. Turin's Worst Moment

Alas Beleg just couldn't stay away.

He just had to go looking for Turin. He didn't know when to leave well enough alone.

To make matters worse he decided to go looking for him right where Morgoth hung out.

He stumbled across Gwindor. Gwindor was an ex elf slave of Morgoth who had spent so long mining diamonds for him he had rather badly done his back in and now seemed to resemble some kind of hunchback.

Gwindor told Beleg he had seen Turin making his way along with the Orc Chorus and wisely, ( the diamond mining obviously hadn't affected his brain,) suggested Beleg should maybe get the hell out of there.

Now I am a fan of Beleg. He is gorgeous, ( obviously ), brave, apparently a magic self healer, and terribly terribly honourable but also sadly it now becomes apparent that he is not very bright...He decided to carry on going.

As well as being not very bright he must have been very charismatic because he manages to convince an elf who has just escaped from terrible captivity under Morgoth for a very, very, very long time, that he should go straight back and rescue a mortal he has never even heard of.

Yes you got it, Gwindor goes with him.

You all know what happens next...right?

They find Turin.

It is dark.

They rescue Turin who is obviously a very, very heavy sleeper.

They don't think to wake him up.

Beleg has a completely uncharacteristic clumsy attempt at cutting Turin's bonds and cuts him.

Turin somehow manages to mistake a tall, gorgeous, long haired elf for an orc and kills him.

I am sorry Turin, I just don't buy it...Beleg-Orc, Orc-Beleg...they don't look anything alike even in the dark!

Cue much wailing and sobbing from Turin.

And poor old Gwindor is left burying Beleg and providing psychiatric help and grief counselling to Turin. Possibly at this point he wishes he had never left the diamond mines.

They then steal Beleg's cursed sword...the one Thingol gave him...the one Turin killed him with...and trot off to Nargothrond.

Um, Thats kind of creepy, Tolkien.


	41. The Shallowness of Elves

The Shallowness of Elves.

So Turin and Gwindor made their way to Nargothrond. Why Nargothrond? You ask. Turns out Gwindor was an ex Nargothrondian...before being turned into slave in the diamond mines and wrecking his back.

Poor Gwindor. He made several fatal errors.

1\. Following Beleg back towards Morgoth instead of getting the hell out of there.

2\. Bothering to try and stop Turin's eternal wailing at the death of Beleg instead of getting the hell out of there.

3\. Letting Turin tag along with him back to Nargothrond instead of ditching him and getting the hell out of there.

His people welcomed him back despite the hunchback, mainly it seems because he once loved their Princess, Finduilas and she, at least initially, pretended not to mind he now looked like an old man.

"Hey Gwindor, so glad your back, your looking...great..." Yeah, we REALLY believe you Finduilas.

Turin decided it was time for a name change and started calling himself "The Bloodstained Son of Ill Fate."

That's just attention seeking Turin.

Now you would have thought the elves, when a man came along calling himself "The Bloodstained Son Of Ill Fate" might have said to themselves,

"Maybe this is not the kind of guy we want hanging out here at Nargothrond?"

But no. In fact Tolkien tells us they questioned him no more.

"Oh, Bloodstained Son of Ill Fate, you say, well that's a fine name. We are sure that doesn't mean you are going to completely destroy us...come in!"

Since Finrods bloody untimely death His brother Orodreth was the boss of Nargothrond. It seems all the gloriousness and magnificence in that family was used up on Finrod and Galadriel and Orodreth was just left being...boring.

Never thought I would say an Elf was boring but there is no escaping it. Orodreth just is.

He is also incredibly, absolutely stupid. Let's see. What just happened to his amazing big Bro? Killed horribly and for no good reason all because he got himself entangled with a Man who showed up out of nowhere.

So what does Orodreth do when another man,( calling himself Bloodstained Son of Ill Fate, that's a BIG hint to you Orodreth) shows up...out of nowhere...Does he run screaming from the hall saying "Stay away from me!" Does he throw him out of the City at the first opportunity?

NO!

He gives him high favour and puts him in charge of the army and all the defences. I'm sorry but someone as dimwitted as Orodreth really deserves everything they get.

Turns out Finduilas was not as magnanimous as she wanted us to believe and falls for Turin. She is an Elf Princess, she can't be expected to hang out forever with a hunchback can she? Low, Finduilas, really low.

And as Gwindor tries to convince everybody listening to Turin is not the way to go he falls into dishonour because let's face it. He is just so gosh darn ugly and Turin is beautiful, the fairest of men. The beautiful guy has to be right doesn't he? Let's just not listen to the one who has been a prisoner of Morgoth for years and might...just might know the tiniest bit about his modus operandi. He's just not pretty enough.

And so we see it. The reason, in the end why the Elves messed everything up. They may have been magical, highly intelligent and immortal but they were also really, really, really shallow.

List of Personal Attribute Needed to Get Ahead in Elven Society.

1\. Prettiness.

And that's basically all.


	42. The Fall of Nargothrond

The Fall of Nargothrond.

So Gwindor is sidelined due to inherent hideousness and Orodreth lets Turin convince him Finrod's tactics of secrecy which have helped ensure Nargothrond's survival for hundreds and hundreds of years are not the way to go.

That's right Orodreth, they worked fine for Finrod but you just throw it all out on the say so of some Man you hardly know.

Instead they build a bridge which makes it really easy to get in and march out, hence  
making sure Morgoth knew exactly where they were. Morgoth, at home tucked up watching The Turin Show with his henchmen on his long range radar must have thought all his xmas's had come at once.

And this was all so Turin could march around at the head of Elven armies waving his awesome sword, ( Let's not forget it is actually Beleg's sword.) and wearing his pretty armour and basically showing off. Even Tolkien, Turin's greatest fan admits at this particular moment he was slightly vain and prideful.

Even now all was not lost for Nargothrond. Orodreth receives an urgent message from Ulmo, (who is basically the only Valar worth bothering about by now. The others all having hid away behind the mountains eons ago.)

Ulmo says something along the lines of,

"What the hell are you doing? Could Finrod seriously not find someone better to be in the line of succession? Gildor, for example. Shut the doors. Stay at home and hope to hell Morgoth doesn't manage to find you."

Orodreth was slightly concerned about this but Turin was having none of it and Turin was pretty so he went along with him. What would an all powerful Valar know about it anyway?

Long story short.

They all rode out. Morgoth had a Dragon. End result rather a lot of casualties. Orodreth dead.( no loss there.) Gwindor dead.( poor ugly guy never stood a chance.) Finduilas taken prisoner.( no sympathy from me for fickle, shallow " Look at me, I'm a princess" Finduilas)

Turin survived. Of course Turin survived. Turin always survives to live to destroy another people.

He rushes back to Nargothrond desperate to save Finduilas. But meets up with Glaudring the dragon and suddenly all his prettiness is to no avail.

Glaudring enchants him...as dragons are known to do. If Turin had bothered to spend some time researching instead of just prancing round with his sword he may have known this. Glaudring tells him some lies about his mother, lies about his sister but is remarkably honest about Turin himself.

Thankless fosterling he says, -yes that's pretty accurate.

Outlaw, - check.

Slayer of Friend . - Definitely right on that one.

Thief of Love.- looking at you Finduilas.

Usurper of Nargothrond. - yes, yes and yes.

Who knew Dragons were the psychotherapists of Middle Earth.

Maybe if Turin had got himself some Dragon therapy earlier he might not have gone on to be so insufferable!

I can just imagine Finrod's reaction to the news of the Fall of Nargothrond when he gets the message back in Valinor. Probably as he takes a break from trying to escape the clutches of Amaire.

"For gods sake! How did Orodreth end up in charge? Why would anyone think I would leave my life's work in the hands of that idiot? Where is Gildor? Why does everyone spend their time pretending he doesn't exist? Gildor was meant to inherit Nargothrond. It was meant to be Gildor damn you!...oh by the way...any news about Turgon?"

That's coming right up Finrod. Not long to wait now.


	43. The Beginning of the End of Turin

Neinor arrives on the Scene,( Hint: This is not a good thing.)

So we left Turin traumatised by a Dragon, eventually he couldn't take any more home truths about his personality and fled back home to Mummy. The Dragon however made a nest out of poor Finrod's gold...which turned out to be quite a lot...and went to sleep, as Dragons do.

Sadly for Turin by the time he got home, ( it was quite a long way and rather cold) his Mother was nowhere to be seen. He was rather upset by this as it had been a long trip and he obviously had rather a lot of laundry that needed doing so he stumbled into the house of a random Easterling called Brodda, held a sword to his throat and demanded information...as you do.

"She's gone to Doriath looking for you, you idiot!" was the response and the thought of having to carry his laundry all the way back where he had come from was too much for Turin. He slaughtered them all, Brodda and all other random household visitors. For some reason Tolkien seems to think this was quite acceptable behaviour. Nobody blinks an eye.

Something tells me Glaudring's attempt at psychotherapy was less than successful.

After wandering around annoying people for a while Turin finally remembers he was supposed to be rescuing Finduilas.

" Oh my gosh, what am I doing? " he cried but it was too late, way, way too late. She was dead of course. A good opportunity for Turin to wallow in another bout of self pitying grief...remember after Beleg?

He decided this was a good time for another name change, "Bloodstained Son of Ill Fate" must have been wearing thin, ( It was a bit of a mouthful). This time he picked something shorter but no less depressing. Turambar, Master of Doom.

Meanwhile back in Doriath Turin's Mum was not happy at him missing curfew and set out to find him...and of course his little sister Neinor had to follow. Thingol, probably wishing by this stage he had never laid eyes on Turin or any of his family sent Mablung,(another awesome elf with much too small a part ), out to find them.

Showing what could only be called a giant lack of common sense they headed to Nargothrond. There is a Dragon there guys remember...

They found the Dragon.

The Dragon wasn't pleased to see them.

Several elves ended up more than a bit scorched around the edges.

Turin's Mum was one of them, ( although obviously not an elf,)...much to Thingol's relief she was never seen again.

Neinor was conveniently ensorcelled into forgetfulness and poor old Mablung was left to try and drag her back to civilisation.

You can see what's coming can't you? She escaped him and ran through the forest naked... now can you remember someone who liked chasing naked people through forests?

Turin.

And when he found her as he inevitably did, well that's when his story started to get really, really bad.

You ain't seen nothing yet.


	44. The End of The End of Turin

The End of Turin.

When Turin stumbled across Neinor lying naked on top of Finduilas's tomb he was a bit taken aback.

Why was she on Finduilas's tomb? you ask. I have no idea.

She was still conveniently ensorcelled and couldn't remember a thing so Turin helpfully took it upon himself to give her a new name. In case you hadn't noticed Turin had a bit of a thing about names.

Not wanting to break the theme of names mired in deep depression he called her Tear Maiden. Not Sunshine or Joy. No it had to be Tear Maiden. Níniel for short.

He found some local woodsmen who could tolerate him and took Níniel there. The woodsmen somehow found the time to teach her how to speak. Apparently, and very strangely, there were no orcs around...maybe that's because there was a Dragon hiding out just down the road and even orcs aren't keen on Dragons...or maybe it is just because with Turin there to create havoc and drama why did Morgoth need to waste any of his precious orcs on the area.

Turin chose this very inconvenient time to turn romantic and begged Níniel to marry him. She was wise and turned him down the first time but he just wouldn't give up.

( Turin...she's your sister!)

Smart woman though, she made sure she got a good behaviour bond before she said "I do." She made Turin promise he wouldn't go fighting orcs unless the orcs came to him. He had to stay home. No going off gallivanting to the pub for Turin.

So Turin sat on his backside while the Woodsmen who had been so nice to him were slaughtered and they weren't best pleased about that.

Glaudring the psychotherapist having heard that Turin's life had taken a turn for the worst...incestuous marriage etc... Came out of his cave of gold to try and track Turin down. Obviously only intending to complete his counselling.

Turin found him first and, wanting to avoid having to pay the bill, stabbed him...hence one dead Dragon.

But Dragons take a looooong time to die. During his dying Glaudring found the time to:

A. Fly haphazardly across a chasm.

B. Spill venomous blood on Turin and knock him unconscious.

C. Casually inform Neinor/Níniel of her family tree and the fact she had accidently ended up married to her brother.

give up the ghost but not before one last spiel about all Turin's bad points.

Neinor didn't take the news well. She threw herself off a cliff. The end of a very miserable life for Neinor. Of all Tolkien's incredibly unlucky, mainly dead female characters Neinor possibly had the worst luck.

Turin also was slightly upset at this development. He took his sword, ( Beleg's sword remember.) and started talking to it.

What was really surprising is the sword started talking back.

Who knew all this time Beleg had a talking sword.

Not Beleg that's for sure.

Not only a talking sword but a talking sword with feelings.

It turns out it was rather unhappy at having been used to kill it's old master.

Not only a talking sword with feelings but a talking sword with feelings who was very persuasive.

It managed to convince Turin that letting it kill him so it could forget about killing Beleg was a totally brilliant and completely sane idea.

He went along with it.

End of Turin.

Finally!


	45. Hurin

Hurin.

So finally free of the depressive cloud that was Turin I excitedly turned to the next chapter.

Now we get back to the good stuff right? Now we get some more Sons of Feanor...(what exactly have they been doing all this time? ) and other sexy elves.

Sadly No.

Instead I found...Hurin.

Turin's Dad.

If anything even more depressing than Turin himself.

Morgoth has finally set him free telling him it is because he is a caring and magnanimous kind of chap who just wants everybody to be happy.

In actual fact it is because Turin is dead and he has no one to amuse himself with watching as they stumble round turning everything into disaster. He thinks Hurin might be really good at that.

He is right.

First stop for Hurin is Gondolin. He thinks he might just call in to see his old mate Turgon. But he can't find it, despite having been there once before and wanders aimlessly calling out to Eagles instead. Thorondor spots him but instead of going to have a chat flys off to Turgon.

Thorondor: Mate, Hurin's back. He wanted to come in.

Turgon: I don't THINK so. Do you think Morgoth suddenly turned into a caring, magnanimous, being or something?

Thorondor: How dare you?! Do you suggest I am a less than efficient sentry. I am Manwë's eagle remember!

Turgon: Well if you are Manwë's eagle how about you bring me some useful news, like how is Finrod getting on in the undying lands? Oh and how about investing in a more efficient timepiece so you can actually turn up on time for once.

Thorondor got the huff with this and went off in a sulk with Turgon shouting after him.

"My heart is shut, I tell you, shut. Hurin can go jump. Come back when you have found Finrod and not before!"

However he calmed down once the annoying eagle had departed. He had had issues with Thorondor ever since he had arrived with his Dad Fingolfin's dead body boasting about how he was just a second too late to do anything about his death.

"I bought you your Dad, Turgon. Damn shame I slept in and didn't actually get there in time."

Anyway. Turgon rethought his hasty words and remembered, a bit late, that Hurin HAD actually sacrificed himself so he could escape the Battle of Unnumbered Tears, so he swallowed his pride recalled the Eagles and tried to find him.

He had no luck.

Instead Hurin, angry ( quite reasonably) with being abandoned spent his time going around shouting, "Turgon is here! Turgon is here!" Just so Morgoth knew.

How the Eagles failed to find him when he was making so much noise and drawing so much attention to himself I do not know.

I think Thorondor was still sulking.


	46. Hurin is in Denial

Hurin is in Denial.

Doriath was Hurin's next stop on his tour of "Elves who done me wrong."

But first came a brief romantic reunion with his wife. They got to speak a few sentences and then she died.

This is the Turin/Hurin family, did you expect anything else?

So onwards he went to Doriath via Nargothrond.

Who should he meet at Nargothrond but our old friend Mim the Petty Dwarf who had moved back in to his family home.

"Who on earth are you to be hanging out in Finrod's place?" Hurin asked. Seemingly forgetting it was his son who came happily along and DESTROYED Finrod's place so he was hardly in any position to comment.

Mim pointed out his ancestral claim.

"We were here first." Was basically how it went.

Hurin took umbrage.

"How dare you? You betrayed my son to the Orcs!"

Once again forgetting it was actually Turin who killed Mims son first and for no good reason. I am beginning to get the feeling Hurin is one of those parents who can never let their kids face the consequences they deserve.

Angry he employed the standard Turin, "you won't do what I want" method and slew him. Then ransacked Finrod's treasure and ran off with the Nauglamir, Finrod's favourite necklace.

Just what is it with these Men all wanting Finrod's jewellery? First Barahirs ring and now this.

Then with no one left to kill he staggered into Doriath and came to see Thingol.

Poor old Thingol.

Having just had a party to celebrate the disappearance of the last of this incredibly annoying human family, he is blessed with the appearance of the worst of them.

"Oh Hurin, it's you...yay." He says less than enthusiastically.

And thinks to himself...

"What have I done to deserve this?"

Hurin proceeds to call him on every single error of judgement he has made in the past several years, ( maybe he picked up some dragon counselling skills while at Morgoth's place?)

The only point that is actually at all valid is the fact Finrod had to die trying to complete his silly Silmaril errand but even then...doesn't Finrod himself wear some of the guilt for that?

Could have just said no, Finrod!

Never thought I would find myself feeling sorry for Thingol.

Guess there is a first time for everything.


	47. Stand By Your Man

Stand by Your Man.

Melian was mad.

Melian was REALLY mad.

No one slagged off her Elf and got away with it.

So when Hurin had finished his " Reasons I hate you." spiel to Thingol, (who just stood and took it.) she let rip.

"What a load of rubbish!" She said."Turin was a complete pain in the butt. A spoiled brat who threw drinking vessels at our people and tormented them by chasing them naked through forests. Still we never banished him, although God knows why."

She paused, but only to catch her breath.

"As for your wife Morwen. Don't you think we told her going to Nargothrond to visit a dragon was an incredibly stupid idea? Still we sent some of our best warriors with her to try and save her from her own stupidity. You know what happened to them?...toast!

Don't dare come here bad mouthing my man."

Hurin was ashamed. Maybe she was right. Maybe Turin was out of line? Maybe letting him do everything he wanted wasn't the best parenting decision.

To make things better he gave Thingol Finrod's necklace.

" Here, have it." He said. "A gift to make up for the mess we made of everything."

(Actually Hurin It doesn't belong to you to give to anyone...it is Finrod's.)

And this was the last and the absolute worst disaster of them all that Hurin and his terrible family managed to inflict upon Thingol. What they had ever had against him I just don't know.

Thingol was rather taken by the necklace, even though he knew damn well it wasn't really his.

"Ooh sparkly!" He said. "I know just what this necklace needs. A Silmaril. I will put the Silmaril, which isn't really mine to have, into this necklace, which isn't mine to have either."

Of course Thingol, of course that's going to work out well.

Then he topped off the worlds worst idea by getting some dwarves to do the dirty deed for him.

If there is anyone who likes shiny things more than elves, maybe even more than the Valar, it is dwarves.

Sure they are going to be able to do this for you Thingol and walk away. Of course they won't want to keep it all for themselves.

Trust them, trust them with the two most shiny of all shiny things in your kingdom.

That makes perfect sense...

Not.


	48. Thingol Learns His Lesson ( or does he?)

Thingol learns His Lesson. ( or does he?)

The dwarves took Thingol's request to merge Silmaril and fancy necklace very seriously.  
What am I saying, of course they took it seriously, it involved jewels and sparkly things.

When they finished the Silmaril necklace was a joy to behold. Doubly shiny.

Thingol happened to be right there when they finished it.

" I will look so pretty with this round my neck!" He said, ( remember he is an elf, prettiness is everything.)

But the dwarves would have none of it for they were rather attached to the Silmaril necklace themselves.

"Hang on! They cried, "this isn't even yours. It's Finrod's and since he isn't here it may as well be ours. We made it for him after all."

But Thingol saw into their hearts...apparently...though I tend to think all Thingol saw were the very very shiny jewels right in front of him.

Still he pretended to see into their hearts because that had slightly more weight than just admitting he wanted the shiny things.

It now becomes obvious Thingol has not much clue about how to win friends and influence people.

The dwarves have something he wants. The dwarves have quite a reasonable argument why they should keep it.

What he should do is flatter them, offer them lots of other shiny things and sing wonderful praises about their general awesomeness.

What he does do is call them names and point out exactly how much better than them he is.

It doesn't work.

They rose up, laid hands on him and slew him.

I am not sure why he died just because they touched him. A rampaging, vicious dwarven skin ailment perhaps?

They took the fancy necklace and fled. But they only had short little legs so they didn't get very far. All but two of them were killed and the necklace taken back to Melian.

Rather a shame the elves were so lax as to let two dwarves escape.

This comes back to bite them shortly.

I guess all dwarves look the same to them but they should have been able to count.

Oh well you KNOW we are going to be seeing those dwarves again very, very soon.

They took the necklace back to Melian who had fallen into a deep depression. She was a Maia remember and had had a bit of foresight, ( not that you needed to be a Maia to see what was coming for Doriath at this point.) Can I just say, if she was gifted with foresight you would have thought she could have tied Thingol up and kept him safely out of the way in a closet for large periods of time and that may have saved Doriath in the long run.

Anyway she sees the writing on the wall so what does she do? What would you do if you were the Queen and a Demi God and could see the further destruction of your people?

Arrange a mass evacuation?

Organise the military to defend you?

Perhaps even send a message to the Sons of Feanor saying "Come and get your Silmaril. It's all yours, just leave us out of it."

All very laudable possibilities.

What does Melian do?

She withdraws her power...the power that has protected the people of Doriath all this time...and vanishes.

She walks out on her people and doesn't look back.

She goes and sits in the gardens of Lorien and muses on her sorrows.

Thanks a lot Melian.

The moral of the story.

Never trust the Valar...or the Maia. They give a whole new definition to what it is to be self absorbed.


	49. Run For the Hills it's Beren and Luthien

Run for the Hills. Beren and Lúthien are Back.

When Melian vanished she didn't bother to warn anybody. She didn't take the time to say, "Hey guys, I'm off, you might notice a bit less protective power around here." She just left.

The upshot of this was that when the two escaped dwarves returned, as they were guaranteed to, with impressive dwarf army the poor Grey elves were taken a bit by surprise.

"Hey!" They exclaimed, "What's going on? You can't just walk into Doriath!"

Sorry guys but yes...yes you can.

They were so astonished they went hither and thither purposeless. This brings to mind a rather strange mental image of a host of elves wandering round and round in ever decreasing circles while the dwarves cut them into little tiny pieces.

The dwarves were victorious as their opposition were too busy hithering and thithering, Doriath was ransacked and the Silmaril necklace went back to the dwarves again. Honestly it's like a yo yo. But it didn't end there!

Our great friends Beren and Lúthien heard about the mess at Doriath. One of the Grey elves obviously managed to pull themselves together enough to make it to Tol Galen and tell them.

Beren and Lúthien had been happily skipping through the flowers and rearing a little family since we last saw them. They had a son, Dior. He is a bit of an idiot really but more about that later.

Dior is married to Nimloth who is a close relation of Celeborn. Try not to think about this too closely, it makes Elrond and Celebrian's hooking up in the future seem ever so slightly dodgy. Dior and Nimloth have three kids.

This is the start of the 'El's'. Remember the Fin's? Well the El's are almost as bad.

Elured, Elurin, and Elwing. You can forget all about Elured and Elurin but Elwing you need to remember.

Beren and Dior take themselves off to avenge the destruction of Thingol. They do a good job of it too. Here Beren fought his last fight and killed the Lord of the Dwarves ripping the Silmaril necklace from him as he did so.

What goes around comes around and the Silmaril had made its way all the way back to Beren. Of course he just had to give it to Lúthien.

He can't help it, that's just what he does.

So Lúthien finally, finally got to wear the Silmaril and became the most beautiful vision ever seen outside of Valinor.

Of course she did.

Then Dior took his wife and all his little El children and headed off to Doriath where the Sindar greeted him with joy...why? Why Sindar why? Did you not hear me say he was an idiot?!

And he sets himself to raise anew the glory of the Kingdom of Doriath.

However as you and I know that just doesn't happen.


	50. Thank Eru, The Sons of Feanor are Back!

Thank the Lord. The Son's of Feanor Are Back!

Dior hadn't been king of Doriath all that long when a silent grey elf arrived for him with a parcel. Turns out the parcel was the Silmaril necklace and Dior knew this must mean Beren and Lúthien were dead. There was no way Lúthien was giving up that necklace alive.

So he put it on and magically appeared as the fairest being in all the land.

This went to his head rather.

So one day the Son's of Feanor were hanging out when news of Dior's overinflated ego reached them. A heated discussion followed.

"Come on Maedhros," the younger ones said, "We can't let him get away with this let's go get it back."

"Wait, wait," Maedhros was ever the voice of reason and since the Battle of Unnumbered Tears had rather been put off fighting,

"I will send him a pleasantly worded letter. I am sure he will see sense."

And so he did.

Dear Dior,

Hope all is well, Our condolences about your parents, ( not that we liked them all that much...especially Celegorm,) Anyway I am sure you are most eager to return our Silmaril to us and it has just slipped your mind with the funeral arrangements.

That's quite ok, we look forward to receiving it in return mail.

Yours Maedhros...and the others.

They waited and waited and waited but Dior never answered. ( told you he was an idiot.)

Still Maedhros wasn't all that keen to get involved in fisticuffs.

So Curufin and Caranthir starting working on Celegorm.

"Come on brother, you don't want to let him get away with this! Remember Huan, remember how his parents killed Finrod !"

Celegorm was torn, he did remember Huan the super strong talking dog who never bothered to talk to him.

"But we can't. Maedhros doesn't want to." And Celegorm only ever wanted to do what Maedhros would do.

"He's still shell shocked from losing Fingon." the other brothers said, "He WOULD have done it...Maedhros would never have let this go unanswered. It's what the old Maedhros would have done!"

Celegorm didn't know what to do, Did he do what Maedhros would do...or what the old Maedhros would have done? The more he thought about it the more confused he got.

The others wouldn't let up.

"It will be good for him to get out more, a trip to Doriath is just what he needs!"

They had a point Celegorm thought. Maedhros was in desperate need of some grief counselling. They had searched far and wide for a dragon to help him but to no avail. Perhaps another kinslaying was just what he needed?

In the end he caved to pressure and joined the throng of brothers clamouring for vengeance.

They all rode out to Doriath, Maedhros hoping a personal face to face chat with Dior would sort this out, maybe their letter had been lost in the mail or something? Surely no one could be so stupid as to fail to reply to the Son's of Feanor on Silmaril business?

Yes they could. This was Beren and Lúthien's son remember!

It didn't go well. Especially for Celegorm.

Nothing ever went right for Celegorm.

Dior killed him, first in a long list of deaths. Curufin, Caranthir, Dior and Nimloth had joined the list by the end of it all.

And Elwing and the Silmaril got away.

Somehow poor Celegorm once again ended up getting all the blame. They even managed to pin Dior's missing sons on him. He was dead before they went missing people!

Maedhros did his best to try and find them but failed which obviously left him with a longstanding and unfulfilled need to parent twins who's names started with El. We will just add that in to his other multiple pre-existing psychological problems.

When Noldor historians came pointing fingers later the surviving brothers all stood back hands in the air,

"It wasn't us...It was all Celegorm's idea!"

Well except Maedhros who was too upset by it all to say anything.


	51. So Now It's Gondolin's Turn

So Now it's Gondolin's Turn

It has started to become apparent that in Middle Earth there is something I call "The Man Effect"

This involves Elven conclaves happily going about their business and doing very well at it until...hey presto A Man shows up and utterly destroys them.

Why don't we pause to have a closer look at this phenomenon.

It all started with Beren of course, although he didn't actually destroy a settlement but he did see off Finrod quite effectively.

Then poor old Maedhros and Fingon. The pair of them charging happily along organising quite efficient cooperation to wipe Morgoth out but undone by those drafted Easterlings and the rather obviously named Uldor the Accursed.

Turin was next. A master at "The Man Effect" he marched into Nargothrond and from that moment on there was nothing that could save the place.

And last but not least Hurin, whose generous gift of a necklace he didn't own signed sealed and delivered the end of Doriath.

So we are left with only Gondolin and a smattering of random other not as important Elven hang outs. (Sorry Cirdan, I know you are really old but at this stage truly not that important.)

Now Turgon although boring is not a stupid Elf. He is also slightly on the conservative side and definitely risk averse so surely, surely, when A Man comes creeping round Gondolin he is going to turf him out pronto saying "Never darken my doorstep again!"

You would think he might have placed sentries with the specific instructions to kill on sight any Man that came within a hundred miles of Gondolin.

Sadly he did not.

In fact when Huor's son Tuor showed up raving madly about having chatted to Ulmo and all dressed in black they not only let him in they did so at great haste and proceeded to give him as much honour as they could possibly throw at him.

How the Conversation should have gone.

Turgon: So Tuor, Who do you think you are snooping around here dressed in black and flaunting my old weapons?

Tuor: Ulmo sent me. I am his mouthpiece. You must do as I say.

Turgon: Are you serious? Do you know how old I am? Do you know how long I have successfully kept my people safe in this hidden city? Get out of here before you bring destruction on us all!

Tuor: Ulmo said you have to do what I tell you.

Turgon: I think you will find I am the High King. I don't have to do what anybody says! And don't think I have forgotten that drivel your Dad spouted about you marrying my daughter. I haven't kept her hidden away here for hundreds of years so the first random Human could have her. That's SO not going to happen.

Tuor: But Ulmo...

Turgon: Get out of here! And you can tell Ulmo from me I know all about how he got his thrills spying on Finrod and I at the river. If he wants to send me a message he can just send Finrod back with it. Maybe then I will listen to him!

How the Conversation Actually Went.

Turgon: So Tuor, Who do you think you are snooping around here dressed in black and flaunting my old weapons?

Tuor: Ulmo sent me. I am his mouthpiece. You must do as I say

Turgon: Well I am not 100% sure about that but while I think about it come on in. Here have the keys to the city, all the wealth you want, oh and why not take my daughter while you are at it.

Tuor: Well I don't mind if I do!

Oh Turgon,

Seriously?

What were you thinking?

Something tells me at this point Turgon maybe had a bit of a death wish. Perhaps he had decided the quickest way back to Finrod was via Mandos's Halls so when a Man showed up "The Man Effect" seemed like his perfect ticket out of there.

I can think of no other explanation.


	52. Moody Maeglin

Moody Maeglin

Does everyone remember Moody Maeglin? The sulky goth teenager whose Mum died and whose Dad was thrown off a cliff?

Well he has grown up a bit. Now he is a sulky goth young adult.

Things have been going pretty well for Maeglin in Gondolin. Turgon lets him sit on his right and he even has his own group of equally moody young men who follow him. Who knows, if Turgon really has a secret wish to hightail it back to Finrod via Mandos's halls then Maeglin might even have a shot at being High King.

His one problem was having a rather bad crush on Turgon's daughter Idril. Uptight Turgon was never going to go for that. They were first cousins after all.

Hang on Turgon... Aren't you and Finrod first cousins too?

I guess it's a case of do as I say, not as I do, Well maybe I will give him a pass for that. Which of us who are parents haven't done this at least once?

Things all started to go wrong for Maeglin when Tuor showed up. Boy did he dislike Tuor. To be honest I don't really blame him. He swans into the city, name drops the Valar all over the place, expects everyone to love him, tries to tell the King what to do and worst of all steals Idril right from under Maeglin's nose.

Now it is usual to lay the blame of the Fall of Gondolin squarely at Maeglin's feet but to be honest I think it was all down to Ulmo. So far Ulmo, apart from a weakness for voyerism has been pretty helpful to the elves. I really don't know why he decided to mess up Gondolin so badly. Boredom perhaps?

You see if Ulmo hadn't decided to interfere and send Tuor to meddle in their business then Maeglin wouldn't have got all upset and gone wandering in the wilds.

If Maeglin hadn't gone wandering in the wilds he wouldn't have been captured.

If he hadn't been captured Morgoth would have been none the wiser as to where Gondolin might be.

And there it is..."The Man Effect"

If they hadn't let Tuor in all would still be rosy in Gondolin.

Sadly it was not to be. Maeglin spilled the beans and became a thrall, Morgoth invaded and it all went downhill from there.

But before we leave Maeglin lying dead at the bottom of the cliff where Tuor pushed him I have to point out two things.

1\. Turgon, Your nephew goes missing presumed captured. Did you look for him? Because according to the book you didn't do a thing. I get you might be seriously depressed about Lack of Finrod but honestly there is no excuse for that. I am not impressed Turgon, not impressed at all. When he came back did you even ask him what had happened? Counselling? Check him out for whip marks? Anything?

2\. Poor old Maeglin gets a really bad rap because of this. He is the most hated elf there is poor guy. But it is important you know Tolkien says he was no weakling nor craven but instead tormented until his spirit was cowed. Guys, the poor elf was tortured beyond belief. Seriously can you blame him?

I mean it's not like he was Maedhros or anything.

Maedhros set the bar for Elven ability to withstand torture way too high.


	53. Glorfindel

Glorfindel.

You have no idea how much I was looking forward to reading about Glorfindel when I started reading the Silmarillion.

I love Glorfindel.

He is a great guy.

Gorgeous, golden, Balrog killer, reborn elf, what's not to like about him?

I had read all about him in the Lord of the Rings.

Was seriously annoyed when Arwen usurped him in the movies.

So when I picked up the Silmarillion I thought, yes, now I can read all about Glorfindel's fascinating backstory. Let's face it he was just about the only character I had actually heard of before.

You can imagine my total and absolutely crushing disappointment when after trawling through over 3/4 of the book I finally get to his part and find he is barely mentioned at all.

He gets 3 sentences.

Only 3 sentences!

I am serious.

Basically it just says " Glorfindel fought a Balrog and they fell into a chasm."

He is an afterthought!

Thorondor gets more screen time than Glorfindel as he participates in his favourite pastime of Arriving Late and Flying Dead Elves Around the Countryside. In fact Thronodor attempts to steal all of Glorfindel's glory when Tolkien tries to tell us despite Glorfindel's amazing but inadequately described Balrog killing the elves only escaped Gondolin because of the Eagles.

It is a complete travesty. The worst attempt at nabbing all the glory yet by those drafted Eagles.

At least Glorfindel gets a very pretty grave. More time is spent describing that than telling us what he did.

I will do what I can to redress this injustice by giving Glorfindel his own chapter in this version.

I suppose I should be grateful as it could have been worse. Poor old Ecthilion who killed Gothmog in another Elf/ Balrog mutual death fight during the same battle gets barely even 1 sentence.

And even worse off than Ecthilion is Legolas,

Original Legolas, Legolas of Gondolin Legolas, Who the hell is he really? Legolas.

As a Legolas of Mirkwood lover I was looking forward to finding out all about this first age version...and he isn't even mentioned. Not one word!

Whereas Tuor... Well his name features in virtually every sentence.

I will see if I can right that wrong by squeezing Tuor's part into these few sentences at the end of the wonderful Glorfindel's chapter.

Let Tuor be the afterthought for once.

Basically Idril built a secret exit tunnel. Why it had to be secret I don't know but I envisage her carrying dirt out surreptitiously under her dress...just like they did in the Great Escape. She and Tuor lead a small bunch of elves from the burning city as GLORFINDEL killed Balrogs...(well one Balrog), so they could get away...Glorfindel...NOT the Eagles! Don't believe anything those Eagles tell you about this.

I am SO disappointed.

This is going to take some getting over.


	54. A Turgon and Finrod Interlude

A Turgon and Finrod Interlude.

I have to admit to developing a soft spot for Turgon. I know he is beyond boring but I think it is because he is the plain ordinary one in a family of extraordinary people.

How hard must that be?

Even his death was boring.

His Dad Fingolfin died in one on one combat with no less than Morgoth himself while wearing sparkly silver armour.

His Brother Fingon had a rather messy, multi-Balrog death complete with flames shooting from his head.

Even his sister Aredhel had the unexpected poison javelin death experience.

Turgon... Well his house fell on him.

So unfair, how can he hold his head up later telling that story?

I can just see them all getting together in the Halls of Mandos.

Fingolfin: Turgon, you're finally here. What happened? How many Balrog's did it take to kill you?

Turgon: Um...my house fell on me.

Fingolfin and Fingon: ... What?

So I think he needs a happy ending...hence this interlude.

Just to be clear, if you go looking for this in the real Silm you won't find it. ( I warn you because I wouldn't want you to fall victim to a disappointment as bad as my Glorfindel one.)

But I think Tolkien SHOULD have written it this way, I am sure he meant to.

We don't hear how long Turgon had to spend hanging out in Mandos's Halls before they let him out but I'm sure it can't have been long. He was so rule abiding and avoiding of anything remotely like excitement, what reason would they have had to hold him there?

So back in Valinor Finrod and His Dad Finarfin are wandering through the trees as they have done since Finrod first got there when Finrod turns to Finarfin.

Finrod: Dad, I thought I might take a trip down to Tirion.

Finarfin: Thank Goodness son. As good as it has been hanging out with you I am beginning to get a bit sick of all these trees. It is not like I am a wood elf or anything. I was starting to get worried that you were never going to pull yourself together and move on. Maybe you can finally get married to Amarie while you are there.

Finrod: Um...Dad...actually I heard Turgon was back...I thought I might spend some time with him.

Finarfin: Excellent! Turgon always was a nice sensible boy. Maybe he can throw you a stag night?

Finrod: Well I was thinking more that I might stay with him for a while...a long while...

Finarfin: Finrod, I am the High King now! If you want a place in Tirion I can get you one of your own. There is no need for you to get into a flatting situation with one of Fingolfin's boys!

Finrod: Dad you are not understanding. I like Turgon.

Finarfin: I know that son. You have been friends since you were little.

Finrod: No I LIKE, like him. "Maedhros and Fingon" LIKE.

Finarfin: ...

Finrod: Dad?

Finarfin: ..."Maedhros and Fingon" LIKE. But Finrod...what about grandchildren?

Finrod: Sorry Dad, I guess you are just going to have to acknowledge Gildor after all.

And so we find Turgon hiding under the bed in his new house in Tirion, terrified it might fall on him, ( lingering post death trauma obviously, I am also sure Finrod has a irrational wolf phobia too, irrational because I am pretty sure there are no wolves in Valinor, ) when there is a knock on his door.

Startled he runs at speed to answer it. The faster he moves, the less chance the house will fall while he is out there. Who does he see there but Finrod.

Turgon: Finrod!

Finrod: Turgon!

Awkward silence.

Eventually just when Turgon is starting to get seriously nervous about being out from under the bed Finrod speaks. ( you know it has to be him that makes the first move. For all his daydreaming back in Gondolin Turgon would never be able to.)

Finrod: So Turgon, do you remember that time down by the river? I wondered if you might fancy a repeat? Um...on a permanent basis perhaps?...maybe?

What can I say. You know these two are never going to be the worlds best communicators. They just spent hundreds of years hiding from each other avoiding the issue. This is a huge improvement.

You do know Turgon says yes, Don't you?


	55. Gil-Galad was an Elven King

A New High King.

So Alas, Gondolin was no more and Elven society had lost yet another secret enclave,( secret enclaves being the way they seemed to like to run things.)

Maybe it is time to change things up a bit guys because that doesn't seem to be going very well for you.

Tuor took his remnant of Gondolin down to Sirion where they threw a big party, as you do when your entire hidden city has been mercilessly crushed and totally destroyed along with nearly everyone who lived there. Go ahead, throw a party guys, that's totally appropriate.

Anyway in Sirion they joined up with Elwing's band of merry men, ( and women) and there they discovered their first problem. Turgon was dead. They had no High King.

Now this couldn't be allowed to continue. They had to get a High King from somewhere. Obviously they called a meeting, anybody who was anybody was there arguing about who the next High King would be.

Eventually Cirdan marched to the front dragging a poor elf behind him. "This is your new High King," he announced ...and his name is Gil-Galad. Ereinion Gil-Galad to be exact."

"Rubbish!" cried someone from the floor. "Who is he? We have never even heard of him."

"He is Fingon's son." Cirdan certainly sounded convincing. "And I have raised him as some kind of random foster son."

At that they all laughed. "Fingon's son? Pull the other one. Fingon was with Maedhros, there is no way that is ever going to work."

"Do you see anybody better?" Cirdan asked them.

Gil-Galad himself was rather taken aback by all this drama.

"Look, I am not sure I actually remember ever being Fingon's son. I am sure there is somebody better suited for this job...Galadriel?"

But Galadriel was rapidly backing out the door..."No thanks," she said, "I would rather live a bit longer."

Gil-Galad tried someone else,

"Gildor?"

"Not me!" said Gildor.."don't you know I don't exist...I am definitely not Finrod's son that's for sure."

Gil- Galad was getting desperate now.

"How about one of the Son's of Feanor? After all the high kingship was theirs to start off with."

And that went down like a lead balloon.

"They spend their time running around killing us. Hardly people we want to give absolute power to now are they?"

Gil-Galad was stuck. He had run out of candidates. Nobody would listen to him and yet he was sure he had never in his life met anyone called Fingon.

Wasn't he just supposed to be an ordinary boat builder? Why had his mother never told him any of this 'next High King of the Noldor' stuff?

Had it somehow slipped her mind.

"Oh by the way son, I totally forgot but your Dad was a High King, sorry...so silly of me."

"Well I guess," he stammered uncertainly..."I guess if you are all so sure...I really don't think...but if you want me too..."

"See you later Sucker!"

That was Galadriel and Gildor taking off at speed out of the district before anybody could come to their senses.

After all they had by now worked out being High King translated to...being dead very soon and in a very painful and unfortunate way, (usually involving a Balrog) and neither of them were keen to experience that!


	56. Is Maglor the Mastermind Behind it All?

.

Now we move on to Eärendil.

He was Tuor and Idril's son and for some unfortunate reason goes by the rather ungainly name of Bright.

Bright Eärendil it is. Not sure if this refers to his intellect or just some vague kind of glowing thing he had happening.

Eärendil was keen on boats. He didn't really want to be a leader of people he wanted to be a fisherman. So he built himself a ship. It's oars were gold. A bit over the top don't you think Eärendil?

Then he made what was to be his biggest mistake.

He married Elwing.

Elwing, granddaughter of Luthien, great granddaughter of Melian. Well she is sure to be stable isn't she. From this we can now see the "Bright" in Bright Eärendil did NOT refer to intelligence.

Eventually Maedhros found out Elwing was hiding out in Sirion and that she STILL had his Silmaril. Having learnt from the fact attacking Doriath didn't go all that well and for some very strange reason had meant he was suddenly the most hated elf in Arda he tried to simply ignore Elwing initially.

He put his fingers in his ears I think, singing na na na na na, every time someone mentioned her name.

But that didn't work for long, once again his brothers were nagging him to get up to no good. There actually weren't that many brothers left at this stage, just Maglor and the strange twins who insisted on calling each other the same name so maybe we have to put this next error of judgement all down to Maglor.

Maybe it was him all along.

Perhaps last time he set up the 3 C's to be the baddies but now they are gone he is running out of fall guys. A pair of mentally deficient twins don't really cut it after all. Watch out Maglor...we are on to you.

So Maedhros caved again and sent words of friendship and stern demand to Sirion.

Maedhros...I don't think you have really grasped the rules of good communication here. Those two things don't usually go together.

Dear Elwing,

Hi there, so good to hear that you are well. We really must catch up sometime. How about you come round for a cup of tea?

So sorry I killed your Father and all those other people, I hope you know that was just a terrible accident.

Anyway, call in and see us, you are always welcome...why don't you bring that Silmaril you have with you. It looks so pretty with your eyes.

See you then.

Maedhros. ( and the others...who are less than before.)

P.s. Bring the Silmaril, bring the Silmaril NOW I TELL YOU. Or I will be cutting off ALL your heads!

Hmm Maedhros... Maybe you need to think this over some more?

Surprise, surprise Elwing didn't give up the Silmaril. Maedhros should have worked out by now that ain't ever happening. It doesn't matter how many friendly letters you write or how many times you shout at them. Nobody is going to just walk in off the street and give you one of those silmaril's Maedhros.

Nobody.


	57. Elwing Mother of the Year

It is apparent to everyone except Elwing what was gong to happen when she said "No." to the Son's of Fëanor.

If the Son's of Fëanor were around today they would be diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder. They had issues with being told No.

So yes, there was another kinslaying as expected and yes, the Son's of Fëanor won...if you could call it that.

Sadly the strange twins, who called each other by the same name and never really got much of the limelight, died and we are left with just Maedhros and Maglor.

Be warned Maglor. Any more strange going's on happening with you two now, we KNOW it was you! There is no one else left to blame.

Gil-Galad arrived conveniently late to the party and missed all the action but don't be too hard on him. He is just learning the kingly ropes remember. Just a short while ago he was a random fatherless Teleri boat builder. Give a guy a break! He does improve at the King business later.

What happened to Elwing and Eärendil? You cry.

Well Eärendil had some time earlier taken his golden oared boat and gone on an ocean voyage. He SAID he was trying to find Valinor but I have a sneaking suspicion he was just trying to escape Elwing's nagging at him to "do something!" He was probably just sailing around in circles avoiding going home.

Elwing was faced with a terrible choice.

The Son's of Fëanor were descending on her in a rage, killing people.

Her husband was AWOL.

There was just her, her young twin sons and the Silmaril.

She could give up the Silmaril...

Or abandon her sons.

Hang on that's not actually a terrible choice at all.

A jewel that isn't actually yours in the first place or your sons.

Jewel...Sons...

She is obviously going to choose her children right? Because Tolkien tells us Elves treasure their children above all else.

Ah, no...not Elwing.

The Silmaril it is.

She turns into a bird and flys away with it.

"Sons? What sons? Did I have any Sons?...Look at this shiny Jewel!"

She flew herself all the way to Earendil's ship. I am sure he was pleased to see her.

" Damn! She found me."

I can imagine the conversation now.

"Elwing...so nice of you to drop in...where are the boys?"

" Boys? What boys? Look at this shiny Jewel. How pretty it makes me."

"Our boys! Where are they?"

"Oh...well you always wanted them to go to Fëanorian finishing school didn't you? It will be the making of them!"

And what did Eärendil do when he heard this news? Did he rush back to Middle Earth to fight for the lives of his sons? To free them from captivity?

Um...no.

But more about that next time.

Luckily for Elrond and Elros, Maglor actually took a shine to them.

( or maybe he was just looking for someone else to be around to take the blame?)


	58. In which Eärendil Shows his True Colours

In which Eärendil shows his true colours.

I promised you we would find out how Eärendil heroically and singlehandedly rescued his sons from their captivity with the mad sons of Fëanor this chapter...well I promised you we would find out what he did after Elwing showed up and that must be it right?

Is it?

No.

Instead he saw no hope in the lands of Middle Earth and came not home.

Are you serious?

His sons have been captured by a pair of murderous insane elves, abandoned by their jewellery obsessed mother and he says, " Well, there is no hope now. I'm off."

Personally I think Elrond and Elros were better off without him. Full disclosure here, I have never been an Elrond fan but I am starting to feel more and more sorry for him by the second.

Eärendil strapped the Silmaril to his brow and sailed off to Valinor. He could have just put it on a shelf somewhere, got one of his sailor men to hold it, but no. Strapping it to his brow seems a tad overdramatic...and odd.

Anyway thanks to the light of the Silmaril he made it. All the way to the shores of Valinor, where apparently he was the first living Man to stand. Tolkien seems to get rather focused on Earendil's Mannish blood here. He tells us several times how he was the first secondborn to make it to Valinor. Come on, he was a Finweian too remember. Although given his recent behaviour the House of Finwe might just be washing their hands of him.

What happened to that great and noble family? A couple of generations ago Fingon went all the way into the heart of Morgoth's lands to rescue Maedhros on his own with only a harp for company but Eärendil just shrugs and says..."Too hard, I'm out of here."

That's what happens when you get Men corrupting your elvish blood.

Fingolfin would have been turning in his grave.

By some chance Eärendil had managed to arrive in the middle of a festival so there was literally no one around.

Is that all they ever do there? Have festivals?

He wanders around randomly, the Silmaril still taped to his forehead. ( Eärendil, this is just looking plain ridiculous now,) and manages to get himself covered in diamond dust.

Now that he is truly looking like a pretty, shiny thing himself the Valar finally show up. Crawling out from behind the mountains where they have been sulking for the last several thousand years.

If there is one thing the Valar can't resist it is a new shiny, pretty thing.

Eärendil asks for pardon for the Noldor who were such bad children and had the nerve to leave the Valar in the first place. I am not sure all the Noldor really wanted the Valar's pardon at this point. Perhaps Eärendil should have stuck to asking for his own pardon for his appalling desertion of his children which strangely the Valar aren't even slightly bothered about.

That just about sums them up really.

Does nobody care about these poor kids?


	59. Manwë is the Boss

Manwë is the Boss, and Don't you Forget it!

After Eärendil had sloped off leaving the Valar behind him, back to Elwing and his Sailors on the beach the Valar had a huddle.

Remember meetings are one of the things they do.

Often,

Constantly,

All the time.

Mandos is terribly bothered that a Man has sullied their precious Valinor.

"What are we going to do? He can't come here and live!"

Ok let's be honest here. Mandos is obviously just trying to get them to kill off Eärendil so he can have the new shiny, pretty, half elf all to himself in his Halls.

Ulmo, the Valar with more common sense than the rest of them combined, sees right through him and proceeds to give them all a lecture on Finweian genetics.

"He is Fingolfin's great grandson." He points out.

I guess maybe hiding behind their mountains the Valar hadn't kept up to date with who had been shagging who in the House of Finwë.

Mandos gets the huff, seeing his shiny, pretty, thing sliding away from him.

"Well those Noldor who were so rude to us can't come back here either!" He says.

But it doesn't get him anywhere. Sorry Mandos, there is no way they are going to let you get your hands on Eärendil. Give it up already.

Manwë pulls rank and gives judgement. Manwë loves pulling rank AND giving judgement.

His punishment for Eärendil and Elwing daring to come to Valinor? That they will never be allowed to leave.

Newsflash Manwë, They didn't want to go back to Middle Earth anyway...not really a punishment is it? Way to go, rewarding bad behaviour.

Then, the excitement of being the boss goes to his head. He gives them and their sons and all their future descendants...( oh you DO remember they have sons then...) the chance to choose who they want to be, Elves or Men.

Um Manwë, isn't this going a bit beyond your brief? Isn't this something Eru himself should be in control of?

Surprise, surprise, Elwing chose to be an immortal, pretty, perfect Elf. Why would she want to get old and die? Elwing is the pinnacle of the shallowness of elves.

Eärendil tries to tell us he really wants to be a man but chooses to be an elf only because his wife did. Pull the other one Eärendil, We KNOW you don't want to go back to Middle Earth, you told us so yourself, and we KNOW all about the sailing round in circles to avoid going home to Elwing. There is no way you really want to spend immortality with her.

In the end he doesn't have to. The Valar take his golden oared boat, hallow it, put him in it Silmaril still on his head to sail across the sky like a star. They do this just to put two fingers up at the Son's of Fëanor.

To say, "Ha, ha we have your Silmaril!"

And so that poor Elrond, for the rest of his long years in Middle Earth gets to look up at the sky every night and think, "There goes Dad, who didn't give a toss about me."

The Valar have a real nasty streak.

And this is where it gets really odd because Tolkien now wants us to believe that Maedhros, beautiful, honourable, broken Maedhros driven to insanity by the oath forcing him to reclaim all the Silmarils, on seeing his precious Silmaril which he has killed his own kin for sailing across the sky says,

"Fair one guys, now everyone can see it, I'm really happy about about that."

Said no Feanorian EVER!

Let alone Maedhros.

As if we would ever believe that.


	60. Here Come the Valar

When you are an evil overlord you always have to have a weakness. Morgoth actually had several

1\. The generalised Valar affliction of addiction to shiny things.

2\. An unfortunate problem with hiring appropriately skilled henchmen, (Sauron at this point not being very good at his job.) and

3\. Pride.

It turns out pride was the killer. He was so busy entertaining himself watching the pretty elves wandering about Arda he forgot there was a whole other country in the west and somehow the fact Earendil and Elwing had spirited the Silmaril off from right under his nose completely eluded him.

In fact he was obviously so distracted he didn't even notice the new, very Silmaril like, star that suddenly appeared overhead and say..."Hang on...maybe I should be worried about this?"

And so when the Valar finally got off their butts and did something he was woefully unprepared.

The Valar on the other hand had spent a lot of time preparing...one could even say rather too much time.

They had sewn beautiful white banners for them to march under just so everyone would know they were the goodies. They convinced the Vanyar to come along. I am not sure how they did that...told them they were the prettiest or something probably. The Vanyar I rather think were vain but dumb. The dumb blondes of middle earth.

Finarfin came too, and all his underlings. He finally got his chance to say "Guys, look I really am not a coward!" It was just a shame that by this stage there was hardly anyone left in Arda who knew who he was.( I love you Finarfin but I have to say your timing in these things is really, really bad.)

The Teleri didn't come.

Do you blame them?

They did send people and ships to sail the army over this time. They said it was because Elwing was a distant relation but I think it was probably more that they remembered what happened to them last time when they refused to send ships...and who could ever trust those dratted Noldor.

Apparently nobody wrote anything down about the March of the Valar and Tolkien uses the poor excuse that was because there were no Middle Earth elves there to do the writing.

What, were the Aman elves so uneducated they weren't able to write for themselves? Then how did we find out about the Years of the Trees?

That's right. Blame the poor Middle Earth elves for being slack Tolkien, instead of admitting you couldn't be bothered... It should say 'Nothing is written about the March of the Valar because it is nearly the end of the book and I just didn't give a damn.'

Anyway apparently Eönwë put on a really great trumpet display and the Valar looked really good...really, really, good.

If there is one thing you have to take away from this chapter it is that the Valar were pretty darn impressive to look at when they finally set foot in Middle Earth.

Such a shame they are not as pretty on the inside.


	61. The War of Wrath

The War of Wrath.

So it was the Valar vs Morgoth.

Morgoth fronted up with his whole power which was apparently beyond count. But even that is not enough if you are fighting the Valar.

Sorry...I mean to say the wonderful, marvellous Valar, heroes of the World because reading this you are kind of left with the impression the Valar did it all.

Poor little Elves don't get a mention, and the poor little Men even less.

The Balrogs were all destroyed...well obviously all except for that one which they overlooked who ran away and hid in Moria. The orcs were all burnt to death in some kind of holy cleansing fire.

Morgoth, not being the bravest...(another common weakness of evil overlords), went and hid but not before he unleashed a last ditch effort...he brought out the dragons.

Why did he leave it so late? I mean if you have dragons...why wait until you are pretty much dead and buried before you show them off?

Dragons should be on your front line surely, not way at the back in the 'in case it all goes wrong' pile.

Anyway as if to prove my point, they almost won it for him, those overlooked dragons, and they forced the Valar back...not looking so pretty now are you Valar.

But of course this is Middle Earth and in Middle Earth there is one particular bunch of people who always hide out until the last minute waiting until they can sweep on in and take the glory.

Oh yes, no Battle here can be complete without...

The Eagles, featuring Thorondor.

Earendil came too looking mighty shiny and he killed the mightiest dragon of them all but he didn't have time to stay around and say hi to his kids. Didn't even ask about them apparently...actually nobody did.

So Morgoth was defeated. He tried to ask for forgiveness. You may think this was rather silly of him but remember the Valar in their wisdom had forgiven him once before. It WAS them who let him out of prison and caused all this mess in the first place.

No such luck this time. Morgoth is chained and thrown into the void. But not before the Valar had gotten their greedy little hands on his silmarils.

Let's not forget after all this is ALL about the silmarils.

Man how the Valar wanted those Silmarils. The complete collection is finally within their grasp...

Or is it?


	62. I Really Don't Want to Write This Bit

I really Don't Want to Write This Bit.

Eönwë, lucky guy, got to guard the Silmarils.

Actually Eönwë had rather an unfair share of the workload in this post War of Wrath clean up job. I think because the aftermath of war being a bit messy the Valar had hightailed it out of there.

So anyway Eönwë called all the elves together for a chit chat but Maedhros and Maglor didn't come.

Are you surprised at this Eönwë? They were hardly going to be welcome.

Instead they prepared their last ditch attempt to get the silmarils. Tolkien tells us they stood alone against all the world.

Aargh...it breaks my heart. Alone against all the world, my poor babies.

So Maedhros did what Maedhros does, always being polite and well brought up, and wrote a letter.

Dear Eönwë,

Come on, you know those silmarils belong to our Dad. It's not like we have anything else to remember him by seeing as how he vaporised into a flame and all.

You already have one. Just do the decent thing and give us these two.

Yours,

Maedhros.

It did him about as much good as all his other letters had done.

Zero.

Eönwë at least wrote back saying:

Dear Maedhros,

No chance.

We are putting you guys in time out for bad behaviour.

You have until I count to three to show yourselves...or else.

Eönwë

Maglor lost his nerve.

"We have to do what he says Maedhros," he pleaded. "We don't want to find out what happens when he gets to three. It will not be pretty."

"I thought you were the one with brains." said Maedhros. " It is just a big Valar induced trap. They will get us back there and skin us alive. Where is Celegorm when I need him. He would have done what I said."

And so Maglor in the end did as Maedhros told him. How could he not?

And they disguised themselves cleverly as elves, (so convenient they already had the pointy ears) , sneaked into camp, and stole the silmarils. It goes without saying that Maedhros of course disguised himself as a one armed elf.

The camp did not take this kindly and rose up against them but Eönwë, taking the 'lets do the thing they least expect' route let them go.

Can I just say Eönwë, if you were going to do that all along couldn't you just have given the silmarils to them in the first place like they asked?

Did you have to be so mean about it?

Poor old Son's of Feanor, let's just force them to do one more horrific thing before they die just to make sure everyone really hates them...is that what you were thinking?

Guess what it didn't work.

They are actually our favourites.

So go stick that in your pipe and smoke it Valar.

P.S. You all know what happens in the end to Maedhros and Maglor and its just not funny...so after much dithering and delaying I will leave it to your imagination,

If you don't know...shame on you!

Chapter 24 of the Silmarillion will fill in all the gaps but a word of advice,

take some tissues.


	63. The End

The End

And so this story ends with the Valar as triumphant, conquering heroes and the Elves as good little beings who have learnt their lesson and do what they're told.

Somehow that feels wrong.

Could it not have been the Elves who were the heroes?

And the Valar who got the stern lecture and were told to pull their socks up.

The Vanyar returned under their beautiful white banners in triumph.

I can see them strutting now. But apparently they weren't all that joyous because they hadn't managed to get hold of all three silmarils.

The Vanyar really are the closest elves to the Valar aren't they. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Finarfin and his merry men don't get a mention.

Poor Finarfin...always an also ran.

A bunch of Middle Earth elves were so enamoured by the whole "the Valar are the greatest" scenario they hopped into boats and sailed to Tol Eressëa where Manwë got to be at his most magnanimous...look at me...I am Manwë...I am forgiving you...when the majority of them had never done anything that needed to be forgiven in the first place.

And then the Teleri magically forgot all about the Kinslaying and they all lived happily after.

Except Galadriel, who finally having got Middle Earth to herself wasn't going anywhere, and Gil-Galad the opportunistic High King who realised very quickly if he went to Valinor all this High King stuff would be taken away from him and he was just beginning to like it. And Elrond who somehow had been spirited away from the Feanorians to hang out with Gil-Galad.

How did that even happen?

One minute he is a captive child whose kidnappers love him much better than his parents ever do and the next minute he is back in the fold.

There is a whole fascinating story there we don't even know!

Was there some big teenage show down?

Did Maglor say, "I have had enough of your behaviour, this is my house and you will live by my rules." only to have Elrond storm out shouting about how he never understood him anyway and run off to permissive cousin Gil-Galad who never made him do the dishes?

Worse still is Elros who is conveniently gotten rid of by turning Mortal off stage.

Why?

Why did he even do that?

Why?

And so we are left with more questions than answers, Morgoth in the void and a depressing suggestion that his evil still spreads the world in the hearts of elves and Men.

Not the hearts of the Valar though.

And worst of all it is a world with no more Feanorians. All those spirited,beautiful, glorious Feanorians written into dust. Replaced with a bunch of bland goodie, goodie elves...oh right, just remembered...there is one Feanorian left...but I am sure he won't make any trouble, ( actually there are two left if you count Maglor but no one knows where he is so...?

Why on earth didn't Tolkien write a "Maglor in self imposed exile" spin off?

I, for one, would have read it!

And that is strictly speaking the end of the Silmarillion.

Do I carry on to the Akallabêth?

Do we really need to know how Men managed to muck it all up AGAIN?!

I await your opinions...yes or no?


End file.
